Two falls, two submissions or a knockout decides the winner

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Dress right for winter golfing.

Plummeting temperatures needn’t mean a rise in shots on your scorecard; not if you dress for cold weather golfing. The colder your body gets, the stiffer the muscles will be and that's bad for you and your handicap too. A smart golfer layers up, with lightweight base layers, midlayers and golf outerwear for warmth without the undue bulk that can hamper your performance.

No mention of the shoes though.

In recent weeks, the number of players attending the Wednesday morning tee time has varied between three and nine. Not because of the weather but because of availability.

The JUDGE has had limited appearances due to moving house, but in advance of the winter weather he invested in a new pair of golf boots. Since doing so though, his game has been a little off. His recent topping off the tee could be down to thicker soles, or more likely it is the amount of paint fumes he has inhaled recently.

The BEAU has also bounced in for a game or two and then bounced back out again as he headed back to the warmer climes of Palma, Majorca. On this occasion, taking with him the BUILDER and another buddy. Sadly, the introduction of the Omicron variant appears to have put the kibosh on the BUILDER’S hopes of walking the Puig De Maria and staying at the Santuari de la Mare de Déu del Puig, but I bet he has the right footwear for such an adventure.

The BANDIT has also on occasion cried shy of the weather and most recently spent a few days in his hometown celebrating a family birthday. It is a shame that he missed this morning’s chilly, windy escapade on home turf, as today his nom de guerre was well and truly pilfered.

The weekend devastation of Storm Arwen has seen clubs in the area resort to winter greens, fed by brushwood laden fairways but not so our home club. All the greens were in play and the fairways were fairly clear, if not firm.  This was evident at the par 4 2^nd, when for no apparent reason I slid on the flat. Not to worry, it didn’t affect my stance, but I did think that I should be wearing winter shoes instead of summer. The difference being spikes or no spikes. No never mind.

Today, five bodies accepted the prescribed tee times, the METRONOME, KRYTON, HANDY, myself and a new kid on the block, who for now, as his name lacks many vowels, I will call The CONSONANT KID. Interestingly, for the well versed out there an anagram of his name is MY LAVS OK!

Not wasting any time in idle chit chat, balls are drawn from the hat and off go the METRONOME and the CONSONANT KID, at such a pace that as we reach the 7^th green they are halfway down the 10^th fairway. They must be flying.

We three wish them well as they depart on the individual stableford competition and I spend the wait time at the first, filling in the scorecard. I know my place. HANDY has had mixed reviews in scorecard submissions recently and we find him playing off 24. Perhaps a little high for the low handicap returnee but nevertheless all seems well. Four holes later with three pars and a bogey under his belt, a few eyebrows have been raised!

What’s HANDY been up to? What is making the difference? Is it the winter gloves or the brand new Ping G 400 driver, or is it the use of the fairway hybrid off the aprons, whatever it is, its working wonders.

As for me and KRYTON we are doing OK but no where near as good as HANDY. Arriving at the par 3 8^th KRYTON engages in his second favourite past time and takes an opportunity to talk to the green keeper, who appears to be adding to the brushwood rather than clearing it up.  Although short at only 126 yards the green is protected at the front by both pond and bunker. A pond that only a few weeks prior was rapidly drying out and with the backs of many a fish visible above the surface, prompted the JUDGE to name it the Heron’s take away!

Clearly the chat with the greenkeeper had unnerved KRYTON as his iron shot went left, whereas my goodself and HANDY found the green. Just as KRYTON chips on, a lady member appears over the hillock separating the 8^th and 5^th asking if we had lost anything. KRYTON quips ”If it’s a Pro V1 I’ll have it”, to which she promptly turns and departs. Two green keepers in a cart observe this frivolous episode and quickly drive off, stating they don’t want to watch as KRYTON attempts to putt for par. That’s not very kind is it!

Reaching the halfway mark a quick count up of the Stableford score sees KRYTON on 18, me on 17 and HANDY on 25!! He’s having a blinder, 6 pars, 1 bogey and 2 double bogeys!

What can we do to halt the onslaught? We could possibly trip him with a driver as he goes to tee up, hit him with a forearm smash on the back of the neck as he is about to play, or we could just attempt a bit of ‘sledging’. While the first two seem mightily appealing, it may be frowned upon by the Wednesday golfing gurus and therefore a little light hearted banter is engaged in.

A forearm smash brings back many childhood memories of ITV professional wrestling, when the likes of Jackie Pallo, Les Kellett and Mick McManus used to adorn our TVs between the half time and full time Saturday afternoon football results. Those doyens of the wrestling world dressed in nothing but a lose fitting leotard, that is unless they were Giant Haystacks, and bounced around the trampoline based wrestling ring throwing moves such as a full nelson, suplex, piledriver or my favourite a crutch lift and body slam. Who could forget that fateful day in 1975 when Big Daddy aka Shirley Crabtree, unmasked the  Japanese samurai warrior Kendo Nagasaki only to reveal Peter Thornley from Telford, what a let down!

However, as usual I digress, the light hearted sledging sees Handy disappear into the trees on the 10^th, we’ve got him on the back foot, he is done for, shouts of “easy,easy,easy” reminiscent of Big Daddy just before the signature “Big Splash finale” are muttered under our breathes.

It’s a false dawn as he extricates himself well to earn a point.

By the time we reach the 15^th the gimmies from earlier in the game are becoming rarer and rarer. As I cup my ear and lean towards the pin, in the style of KRYTON, I am faced with “Have you seen the clouds up there Handy”, quickly followed by “My friendship circle doesn’t spread that far”. Mildly amused, I putt out, as it was never in doubt, much.

The 16^th, the only hole I know of in winter that is longer than it is in summer, sees me almost take a tumble as I step up to the tee box, bloody summer shoes, but thankfully I survive only to see  my shot bounce into the out of bounds pond on the left.

Meanwhile the HANDY Machine continues unabated.

Having extricated my ball for me at the 16^th KRYTON’S concentration has slipped and he is spending more of his time on his third most enjoyable past time, looking for lost balls. A couple of scoops at the 16^th spurs him on and at the 17^th nearside pond, in a manner which feigns interest, I go to help him. The smallest of slopes sees me lose my footing and before I know it, I am on my back, carry bag tucked underneath me like a giant Galapagos tortoise on its back, arms and legs flailing in the fear of an ignominious slide into the pond. Thankfully, the boys come to my rescue and help me up before the imminent slide occurs. They are exceedingly kind and don’t even laugh out loud but I’m sure there were a few side glances and titters later. On rising I looked as if I’d been down the mines for the day. I was blathered but not disheartened, although a shade embarrassed. Bloody summer shoes. The winter studs are definitely coming out next week or I might even invest in a pair of the JUDGE’S platform boots.

By the time KRYTON and I reach the 18^th we were resigned to our defeat and just to turn the screw further HANDY finished with a four pointer.

Completion of the round sees the scores tallied up. A 30, two 31s and a 34 show we have all played  to just below our handicaps but not so for HANDY, who has accumulated 45 points and we are quickly reminded that the course length is reduced during the winter therefore the club will not accept any scorecards to adjust his handicap. It appears, we will just have to put up with HANDY’S shenanigans throughout the winter months, as many a £1 coin heads his way.

In the old wrestling vernacular, we had two falls, two submissions and were well and truly knocked out. “Well done HANDY” we all shout, through gritted teeth.

The Sheffield BANDIT is dethroned long live HANDY BANDY.