How Long?

 

TANKERSLEY PARK  GOLF CLUB	https://www.tankersleyparkgolfclub.org.uk/
Type of course	Parkland	18 holes	Par 72
Course distance	White 6215 yds	Yellow 6090 yds	Red 5377 yds
Holes	3 x Par 3	14 x Par 4	1 x Par 5
Played	07/08/25	Rating 70.9	Slope 125
Claim to Fame: A modern, well-equipped clubhouse and a beautifully manicured golf course.

 

The day prior to hitting Tankersley was a momentous one in the annals of golf, it heralded the return of the Judge to the green fields of Cottingham. Fully recovered from a triple heart bypass he took on his first 18 holes in 4 months. Having ensured his R and R involved the use of clubs on the practice range he was ready to rock and roll. Never one to use few words when many can do, hoping that a pep talk to an inanimate object would see the necessary outcome, he spoke affectionately to the head of his driver.  “Now don’t let me down, we’ve worked well together in the build up, lets go!” Not so, as his first competitive drive found the tree lined slope to the right His progress throughout the game was patchy, his fitness was a struggle but his verbosity was on another level. Oh how we’ve missed those stalwart phrases. “I’m the best player on the park me.” “Was that your pitching driver you just used.” “I’m a big hitter me.” They tripped off the tongue like he’d never been away, the only saying we didn’t get was, “Don’t let my golf interfere with your conversation.” Although it could have arisen if he had got near to the three oiks at the 12^th, who chatted, while he hit a bunker shot back over his own head. Not an easy feat to achieve on your come back.

Regardless of the witticisms it was good to see the Halifax hacker back in the fold and I am sure that very soon he will be back to his normal self. God help us!

As the summer shenanigans continued who could possibly fill his shoes on our away days? Kryton couldn’t take up the mantle, his good lady was convalescing after surgery and we all send our best wishes for a speedy recovery. The C_ns_n_nt K_d was awol, so in stepped a Sunday Night Boy, Wild Thing, aka Boom Boom. Not a lot has been heard of Wild Thing lately but it doesn’t mean he’s gone away. Although, given half a chance he does like to get abroad as much as possible and his 6th jaunt of the year was imminent!

Tankersley was one of the longer journeys we have undertaken but at least there was an after-dinner meal included in the £30 pp, am am package. A Seniors Am Am made a refreshing change from the four ball better balls we had recently been involved in. It also gave the Metronome a chance to ditch me in favour of a bunch of proper golfers. The two teams of four participating on the day consisted of, the Doc, the Metronome, the Big Easy and his bro’ Richie Rich. Team two, saw me, Handy, the Beau and Wild Thing.

According to its website, Tankersley Park Golf course has an interesting heritage. Over the centuries it has been an oak forest, a civil war battlefield, a baronial deer park, a coal and ironstone mining area, and even a battle-tank testing ground.

The course a mere 400 yards off the M1 sits within a triangle of major roads and is easily accessed from junction 35.

Arriving in the car park, a view of the club house and the 1st fairway are clearly visible. The two-storey club house sits within a hollow and the first extends upwards into the sky like a 1 in 3 hill climb. The only thing missing was a funicular.

Lacking an electric trolley my heart sank at the thought of having to attain the summit. The Metronome attempted to allay my fears stating that it was fairly flat after the first. The more I get to know him the more I realise, white man speaks with fork tongue.

Trying to select a new electric trolley has been onerous. What do I require? 1 step fold or 2 step fold? What do I want to pay? Do I need GPS?  What is DHC or EBS? Then there’s  EPB and ADF, its all very laborious and when you’re as busy as I am it isn’t high on the to do list. Seeing the Tankersley Tor I wish it had been though.

The club house on the second floor provided excellent views  of the 1^st, 13^th 18^th and 14^th with everybody paying special attention to the 13^th green. The Pro had forewarned the Metronome that the greens were like lightening and it was interesting to note how quickly the ball rolled away from the hole!

Directly below was the pro shop and changing rooms, the latter clearly in need of a refurb. Archaic metal lockers reminiscent of  Victorian swimming baths adorned the place and the less than aromatic odour of urine was heavy in the air. Not nice. I would hope the ladies’ locker room didn’t suffer from a similar fragrance.

With no starter outlining the rules of engagement our 12.06 and 12.16 tee off times were held up by those in front. A hold up which lasted a full five hours.

As appears to be the norm, the team containing  The Big Easy and the Doc went off first, Richie Rich finding the left hand bunker,  the others fairing well. Richie then went on to play an excellent shot out the bunker, knocked on and then knocked in with an in off, off the Doc’s ball. Were they going to be in the ascendancy and steal the show once again?

As for us at the 398 yards par 4 SI 3, the Beau led the way and hit left reaching the out of bounds beyond the bunker. Myself Handy and Wild Thing slightly right. The Beau reloaded and hit the out of bounds once again, oh no, could it be a repeat of his previous escapade with Handy? We all hoped not.

On reaching the rarified air of the first green the par for Richie and a bogey for the Metronome saw them walk away with 5 points. A double bogey for me and Handy gave us 3.

Hole 2, SI 9 335 yards par 4,  Wild Thing lived up to his nom de plume and his second to the green was heard to catch a leaf or two and that was the last we saw of it. Where it flew nobody new. A bogey for the Doc and a double for Richie, 3 points. I achieved a  welcoming par and  Handy a bogey . 5 points for us. Role reversal.

The 3^rd SI 17 par 3 158 yards, pars for the Doc, The Big Easy, me and Handy 5 points apiece. At this juncture the Beau who had yet to record a score took himself off to the bushes. With his back to the course, head down and hands clasped in front of him he looked like a naughty schoolboy who had been put int the corner. One could only assume with this stance he was giving himself a good talking to, what else could he be doing? He obviously didn’t want a repeat of his no show at Holme Hall.

The 4^th, the only par 5 on the course is a downhill dog leg right at 516 yards SI 15 and criss-crosses the 7^th. Alternating teams firing off from adjacent tee boxes adds yet more to the waiting time. The information board at each hole reveals they are individually named and  Handy noticed this one was called the Steeplechase. As an avid fan of all things horsey he stated, “this is right up my street”   and sure enough in his own words, “he fell at the first.”  Not so for the Beau for as we all know, ‘nobody puts the Beau in a corner’ and a fine par, ably assisted by Wild Thing’s bogey saw us bag another 5 points. As to the’ ‘A’ team the Metronome and the big Easy bag pars for a total of 5 points.

So how fast were the greens? Were they really as the Pro suggested, like lightening? In a nutshell, yes. If a stimpmeter had a ‘bloody fast’ rating, then that is what it would have read. Well cut grass on what felt like a marble base with nasty pin positions made the holes very difficult on the day. Some coped better with the pace than others and it wasn’t out of order to see a putt role off the green once or twice.

 As we waited at the 5^th tee, the heavens opened for the next two holes but that didn’t deter Handy who hurdled back with a birdy at the par 4 5^th, SI 7 at 343 yards. Yours truly coming in with a bogey to ensure 6 points for team B. As to the opposition the Sheffield steelers bagged 5 points between them , par for Richie, bogey for the Big Easy.

The 6^th another par 4 uphill 336 yards SI 6 bogeys for me and Wild Thing, pars for the Doc and the Metronome.

The 7^th par 4 SI 1 419 yards sees some of the forty barrow-like mounds left behind by Georgian and Victorian bell pit miners, come heavily into play, particularly around the green. The shot in is guarded by a large 10 metre mound to the right and a drop off on the left. At this point Handy got his big ‘nocs out for the lads, but  due to an engineering fault the bridge in best Ull “was brock”. No fear, for a man of his calibre would have them fixed in next to no time.

Walking away from the 7^th tee the following group emerged from the treeline, jokingly I said to the lead member “You’re not in any hurry are you?” With a face like thunder and in his best Yorkshire drawl he responded, “WE WORR!” As we walked on Wild Thing suggested  that he may not have considered my attempt at light-heartedness funny.  Never a truer word spoken in jest, what a miserable git he was and his compatriots weren’t much better. Scores at the hole,  bogeys for me and the Beau, 5 more points in the bag. The opposition, bogey for the Doc, double for the Metronome.

Having carded 6 of the 7 holes I was feeling good about myself. Standing atop the 8^th tee looking down into the distance, the slag heaps were in abundance and the relatively poor turf found on top  of the mounds was struggling to gain a foothold in the slack and slag left behind. They held no fear for me until those  fateful words were voiced by Wild Thing. ”You’ve got two shots here.” Oh my, little did he know if anybody tells me that, my chances of doing well disappear like a ferret up a drainpipe. My compatriots drove well, me, I pulled it into a thicket on the left. The provisional was fine. As we walked past the thicket an assumption was made there would be no chance of entering or indeed finding my ball and as Wild Thing approached his, a group of players standing on the 5^th tee informed him a ball was lying near the 7^th  green and lo and behold it was mine. Two blind shots later brought me back onto the fairway , a 4^th took me through the green, the 5^th brought me back and I putted for a double bogey and carded 2 points. Probably the hardest 2 points I’ve ever had to make. Meanwhile Handy bogeyed, the Big Easy parred and the Metronome double bogeyed.

At the par 3 9^th 132 yards SI 11 me and Wild Thing parred, as did the Doc and the Big Easy but no one was near enough to bag nearest the pin. As we wandered off towards the 10^th I questioned the lack of tape measure and how would they know who was nearest the pin. Handy and Wild Thing quickly countered with, “it’s the last name written on the list!” At which point my previous employment in the education sector came in for a battering, Handy reminded me it was logic and the Beau couldn’t believe a man of my standing could be so thick! I have to admit I was a bit slow on the uptake but with a personal tally of 20 points and only 9 over for the front nine I was feeling good. All good things however must come to an end, I jut wish they would end at the 18^th and not the 11^th.

At the turn we had 42 points and team A 39. Same again on the back nine would do us the world of good but it was going to be a tall order on those bone-dry fairways and flashing greens.

With no half way house available, those who had thought in advance delved into bags and took on sustenance. As for me I lacked any form of refreshment and with the hefty climbs my frail form suffered on the back nine. Thankfully the hefty boys came to the fore.

The 10^th SI 14 313 yards par 4 saw a bogey for me and a par for Handy. 4 points. Team A and the steelers, wheel in with 4 points, it was as if our team ‘were stuck in the middle with these two.’

As we took in the vista from the Tankersley peaks the views over Yorkshire and Lancashire were stunning, to the point it brought a tear to the eye, of the ever-sensitive Burnley Beau. Personally I had no idea which view was which but apparently the Beau had a twinge in his loins! Back to the bushes for the boy.

The pace of the game was horrendously slow. Yes, it was hilly, yes, we had a heavy bout of rain, yes, we occasionally had to look for a ball or two but that didn’t cause the back log. The Metronome put it down to the lack of starter, we however put it down to the Doc’s need to ensure the flag was in when he putted. From a distance, Richie Rich was seen to put the flag pole in, he took the flagpole out, in, out, in, out, he shook it all about and then he turned around. What was that all about?  Having received apologies for the slow play from the team in front it  did nothing to appease the team behind and we already knew what the team behind them thought! With packing in the offing, Wild Thing was giving up the will to live!

As I saw my  gentle putt roll off the green at the 11^th SI 2  par 4 352 yards we struggled, the Beau and Wild Thing achieving only a point apiece. Richie Rich carded a par and the  Doc a bogey.

The next seven holes  went as follows:

12^th par 3 159 yds SI 10     Handy bogey, Beau par / Richie R bogey, Big E bogey

13^th par 4 346 yds SI 12     Me bogey, Wild T bogey / Richie R par, Big E par

14^th par 4 372 yds SI 8       Handy par, Beau bogey / Doc bogey

15^th  par 4 325 yds SI 16    Me par, Beau par / Metronome bogey, Big E bogey

16^th par 4  363 yds SI 6      Me bogey, Handy bogey / Metronome double bogey Richie R par

17^th par 4 308 yds SI 18     Handy par, Wild T bogey / Metronome par Big E bogey

18^th par 4 420 yds SI 4       Beau double bogey, Wild T bogey / Metronome & Big E double bogey

By the time we reached the 17th  we were well and truly fed up waiting and the drives downhill saw us  fire to within 20 yards of the flag.  Wild Thing made my heart sing as he led the way with a  cracker, me and the Beau followed. Handy hit right but was still within easy reach of the green. As we approached our balls Wild Things had gone missing and as the four in front moved off, the Doc admitted to pocketing a Callaway. Now I know he likes to win but to take an opponent’s ball just isn’t cricket or golf for that matter!

Reaching the 18^th I was done in and found the red-staked area. In this instance  you have three options: playing it as it lies, taking stroke-and-distance relief, or taking back-on-the-line relief. Additionally, you can take lateral relief within two club-lengths of where the ball last crossed the margin of the penalty area, but not closer to the hole. As for me I chose none of these and attempted to hack out from an impossible lie. Why did I not take relief when I had two shots available. ignominy and stupidity rolled into one, as I picked up the ball and walked off. My round was done.

Final scores 75 for team B, 70 for team A. With 82 leading we knew we wouldn’t be in the money but everyone agreed it had been a good day out.

Retiring to the club house for a well-earned drink  we waited patiently for our all-inclusive meal. Chips and sarnies, while quite nice didn’t live up to the expectations of our Egon Ronay  critics.

No matter the Beau offered a cheese sandwich to others and the Doc was in quicker than the greens. Handy took respite from his meal and as his sandwich lay unattended, the Big Easy eyed it with delight. “Do you want that ham sandwich Handy”,  “Yes” said Handy  and that was the end of that.