HIATUS

Definition: A pause or break in continuity in a sequence or activity.

It has now been two weeks, yes fourteen days and counting since I last picked up a club and struck a ball in anger and now, I am going up the wall!

My last report was over six weeks ago when a very Christmas cracker of a game took place in Filey but sadly that is in the dim and distant past of the last decade.

I was so looking forward to the start of the 2020s and if truth be told it got off to a blistering start.

Admittedly winter tees, fairways and greens bring their own issues and the connoisseur might not consider it to be proper golf but to persevere through wind rain and hail is the making of a golfer in my eyes. Or just plain stupid dependent on your point of view.

The aficionados amongst us may raise the quizzical eyebrow when one talks about fairway placing, clean and drop in the rough or rake and place in the bunkers, but and it’s a big BUT, they all have their own issues which require the golfer to think differently. Consider a plug or puddle on the green, a drive that lacks carry and soft footing underneath, they all bring their own levels of difficulty. Adapt or face the consequences.

Early January 2020 then sees me on my home course with winter tees, all holes open and only one temporary green. Marvellous. A recently retired friend of mine opts to play alongside me on the official day of his retirement and we are off.   Matthew has in the past been a good quality player, but the ravages of time have taken their toll on this once fine sportsman. A bad back, a poorly knee, a trapped nerve in the shoulder and various other orthopaedic injuries reveal he is no longer his former self, however on his day he can still blast the likes of me out the park. Testament to this is a recent four ball charity competition we participated in where Matthew was one over after five holes!

Today however was not his day, perhaps he was suffering from PRD (Post Retirement Disorder). A realisation that you no longer need to work to live but after possibly 45 years of doing so, what does the future hold for you? Why, golf of course.

Rubbing salt into the open wound that is life probably didn’t help then, as I played my best game ever and netted a 66, while Matthew didn’t. 7 and 6 was the score on the day, which for those who don’t yet get it, we had six holes still to play but I had won seven of the last twelve and therefore he couldn’t catch me. I was over the moon but couched my celebration as best I could and Matthew was accepting of his loss, for he, unlike me has the correct temperament for the game of golf. Take every round, every hole and every shot as you see them, learn and then move on. I wish I could. In his pomp however Matthew’s temperament on the football pitch was a completely different matter. If he had been playing in his football boots it would have been Armageddon. Don a kit, stick the shin pads down the socks and look out. No quarter given, no mercy, no prisoners. A veritable midfield dynamo who was fair but very firm! Indeed, on one occasion after an eventful Sunday morning defeat I had the audacity to outline where we had gone wrong on the pitch only to find myself entangled in a goal net like a school of thrashing sardines on their last legs.

A few days after this memorable game I headed out alone and observed behind a young buck booming the ball down the fairway however my second glances often found him in the rough, or even further afield. By the 5^th I had caught up the couple in front and he was waiting impatiently behind me. As he was not in range of the two ball, I waved him through. His resultant strike although hit with force disappeared into heavy foliage and I with a certain amount of hubris turned away and carried on. By the 6^th tee however he was upon me. “Have you dropped a club cover, mate?” he asked and in the same breath, “You don’t mind if I join you, do you?”.  “Yes and of course not.” I replied through gritted teeth. Surprisingly the rest of the round progressed quite well as my PMA (positive mental attitude) continued unabated. Clearly, I was learning my lesson and 2020 was going to be a good year.

Even the thought of yet another birthday hurtling towards me at a rate of knots was not going to alter my mood. I even took the decisive step to let the family know what I wanted for my birthday. No more Mr Nice Guy supplying vacuous thankyous for the presents I didn’t want nor need. It was time to take the bull by the horns. A deep dive into Amazon revealed the wonderful world of golfing accessories. Items that will not make me a better player but might, just might, allow me to enjoy the game a little more. Items sourced, I then left detailed post it notes lying around the house and as my family wandered in one Sunday they were asked to sign up for a costed item and to take the post it home, easing their worry as to what to get me and where to purchase it. It was win-win all round and why I hadn’t thought of it earlier in my life, God only knew, and he wasn’t telling.

2020, brilliant, I could feel it in my water and then calamity.

A friendly Thursday night outdoor 5 a side knock about, saw me knocked about. A 50/50 with the keeper saw my ankles taken away from me and as I headed full long towards the brick wall and metal fence my golfing prowess flashed before my eyes, thankfully that didn’t take long and as my chest connected with the edge of the low lying brick wall my forehead continued unabated towards the metal fence.  Result cracked ribs and goose egg head, which sounds like something from a Chinese take away menu. Which it isn’t, but it is very painful.

The sympathy I received from the good lady was memorable. At a time earlier than normal, I put the key in the front door and from the living room I heard, “What have you done?”. On entering the room, I received, “ffs when will you ever learn?” and later in the evening, “Was it the same person who knocked you into the fence a fortnight ago?”. Clearly, she thinks I’m being picked on in the playground by the school bullies, ah, bless!

In four days hence I was due to play three consecutive games in three days, two of which were at new courses that I could happily report upon.  Sadly, thoughts of this and continuing to bring my substantially high handicap down to a respectable level have all had to be curtailed due to what some may consider, a self-inflicted injury.

To add ignominy to the injury I have also had to stay at home while others around me have profited from the mild weather for this time of year. Bugger!