I Don’t Want To Carp On But . . . .

Three weeks in to the” lockdown” and not for the first time, my mind had wandered to the world of golf. Life without it can be difficult, but clearly not as difficult as it is for those poor souls and families that have had to live with the consequences of Covid 19. Nevertheless, one should always try to stay positive and we should all realise how fortunate we are to have our health if not our unadulterated happiness.

What then does a socially isolated, locked down golfer do. Well, if they have a garden or backyard this goes someway to helping to get through the house boundness. Those without will as ever have it so much harder. How many clothes lines throughout Britain if not the world then, are currently daubed by a heavy sheet or tarp’ that stretches all the way to the ground. Undoubtedly the manicured lawns of England are dotted with golf balls of varying hue. Bare a thought however for the neighbour who may be on the receiving end of the odd itinerant ball and the consequence of its journey, as it impacts on garden shed, glasshouse or conservatory.

I remember many years ago when I briefly considered taking up golf in my mid 30’s. Cheap clubs in hand, courtesy of the old man, four light plastic balls placed on the grass some ten yards from the rear of the house, what could go wrong.  Happily, if not obliviously, gouging divots in the lawn all was going well until a wayward drive arrowed itself towards the window but no fear, the ball was very light. The window however was very thin and quickly the backroom settee was showered in shards of glass. Thankfully, no one was hurt however after informing the other half of my indiscretion, any thoughts of continuing with golf in any form were quickly squashed.

Recently I have attempted to get my necessary golf fix by bringing into play, one of my heavily requested birthday presents, a Colin Montgomerie Chipping Net. Along with a recent £1 purchase from Filey Golf Club (see relevant blog) regular chipping practice was going to be the order of the day. Having set up and completed 30 or so chips the realisation suddenly dawned upon me that perhaps this was not the most exciting form of golf I had ever participated in. Repetitiveness, no one to compete against or banter with and lack of success saw my concentration span quickly dwindle.

Under the guidelines for Rule 6-7, a golfer is permitted 40 seconds to play a stroke. This 40-second time limit includes the first to play from the teeing ground, from the fairway and from around and on the putting green. My chipping practice entailed, bend down, place ball, hit, bend down, place ball hit. Each cycle being repeated in less than five seconds.

A recent study undertaken by Microsoft, indicates that over the last 20 years, the average human attention span has reduced from 12 seconds to 8 seconds. This allegedly is lower than that of a goldfish! Forty seconds in which to concentrate and take your shot, no wonder I don’t perform well on the course, if my span is below that of a small carp!

In my current goldfish bowl existence, I clearly need to do more to get my concentration levels up but as to what I am currently unsure!  I did put in a request to hit  wayward chips out of the flower beds but that was vetoed very quickly.

How then are others coping? Recent tweets, facebook messages and instagram posts indicate the likes of Tiger Woods is just about coping with a back garden that consists of 4 standard length holes with relevant traps. At least he gets to move more than five metres after every shot and he doesn’t have to return to the same piece of cut off astro every time.

A quick call to my monthly partner in York, sees he is doing OK as he has recently set up a Golf Studio in direct opposition to his partners Art Studio. It appears whatever she has he can have and more. Adaptations to his garage and garden ensure that he has the capacity to improve not only his chipping but also his driving and pitching but not without difficulty I might add.

Rumour had it that his first attempt at an indoor driving range involved the making of an artificial tee from a wooden pallet and some artificial grass. The old bed sheet with painted bullseye was hung floor to ceiling and it was looking good until the follow through from an early pitch saw his iron take out the fluorescent light. Not to be deterred a few alterations later and said light was protected by screwed in chicken wire. The chance to make an artificial putting green in the middle of the lawn however was refused planning permission by the artist in residence. What is it with these ladies, don’t they understand a sexagenarian’s need?

Recently, we were meant to meet up and celebrate the 60^th birthday of a mutual friend but could only do this through the modern technology that is Zoom. In between the celebratory verses of happy birthday sung from 9 different venues across the world and therefore completely out of sync, Michael did suggest that he had an idea for our monthly golf meet and would get in touch with me soon regarding the details.

Something different in week five of lockdown which would combine golf practice and competition I therefore waited with bated breath. The following day a message came through suggesting we have a lockdown chipping competition. Rules and scoring were laid out and I was e mailed a scorecard! We both have similar golf nets although after the competition I do believe his net holes are bigger than mine! The game in all its glory was three rounds of chipping from three different distances in our respective gardens. Four balls to be played from each position, totalling 36 shots. Scoring was as follows, top bag 5 points, middle bag 3, bottom bag 2 and the large side pockets 1 point each. Game on!  To ensure fair play lap top computers were brought into the open and Zoom ed in on the nets.

Michael got off to a storming start from three metres bagging an excellent 18 points, while I struggled on 11 and his resident, work from home, daughter’s partner, netted 9.  Five metres out saw scores of 16, 10 and 8 respectively and from 8 metres we all gained a measly 5 points.  On to round two then and the scores were fairly-even. By round three however my concentration span had gone and I quickly deteriorated, coming in last with a poor overall score of 52 points, whereas, the daughter’s partner, having never played before, bagged a respectable 59 and Michael ran away with it on 62. Afterwards discussion in the virtual 19^th, revealed that the game developers had been practicing for days prior to the competition, whereas I had entered it rough and unready. Although, I did don a new glove and bobble hat just to get a feel for the game. Michael played in his sandals which will probably be his footwear of choice in the months to come and, the daughter’s partner. played in his slippers! It just goes to prove you don’t need to buy expensive gear to be good at this game.

So, a competitive game of golf, of sorts, and something different to get me through another day of incarceration. In days and weeks to come could there be a lockdown national chipping competition taking the land by storm? Maybe not, but we did decide, if we were not doing anything in a couple of weeks-time, we might play again. The diary does look remarkably free, at the moment.

You can bet your bottom dollar that I will be putting in some practice before then and I will hopefully raise my concentration level above that of a Koi’s relative!