FOREST PINES GOLF CLUB (MAGICAL)

 

FOREST PINES GOLF CLUB	https://www.forestpineshotel.co.uk/golf/
Type of course	Parkland	27 holes	Par 73
Course distance (Forest & Pines)	White 6842 yds	Yellow 6444 yds	Red 5781 yds
Holes	5 x par 5	9 x par 4	4 x par 3
Played	10/09/20
Claim to fame:  Winner of 2018 Today's Golfer 'Best Golf Course in the East of England' Award
Today we are off over the border of the River Humber to yellow belly country! Forest Pines Hotel Sp a and Golf resort awaits. Situated in Lincolnshire immediately off junction 4 of the M180, the 27 hole course is made up of three loops of nine. Designed by PGA tour player John Morgan and opened in 1994, each loop, named Forest, Pines and Beeches start and end at the clubhouse and according to Top 100 Golfcourses.com  the most challenging loops are Forest and Pines at 6842 yards. I was definitely up for this game at the Augusta of Lincolnshire. Not my description but one used in a VLOG called Carter’s Golf. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NANOvatAvNA For a course with such an accolade I found the website to be very understated, it was as if the providers were not bothered about selling the place. Minimalist primary text on the main page informs you the course is magnificent but there appears to be no course card, course fly over, or hole hints readily available. The course and the adjoining four-star hotel and spa belong to the Double Tree Hilton Hotel Group and it is the hotel, rightly or wrongly, that takes up the majority of space. Having recently watched the top players in the world compete at the PGA Tour Championship I was inspired! The thought of me, WB, winning £1.50 excited me as much as DJ winning $15 million. I suppose it is all relative but at least I do not spit as much as he does! The commentators throughout the tournament referred to it as expectorant but unless he was suffering from a bad chest infection, it was spit in my eyes! Yuk! Prior to the game I rang to book a tee time and was informed that I could only book online. The initial reason for the phone call was to enquire if I could use the 2 for 1 vouchers that I had recently received after investing in golf insurance. I was informed that they were invalid at Forest Pines as the current deals on offer were much better. It was therefore no surprise when my 4 ball 1.20 pm tee time came in at only £80. A good deal indeed for a course that normally request £45 plus for a mid-week game. The booking process was interesting as a return e mail informed me that to make my payment, I would be rung 24 hours before play. With 18 hours remaining I had yet to receive a communication and therefore took it upon myself to make contact. After going through several automated options I eventually got through to the Pro Shop and was informed that the instruction was put up immediately after lockdown restrictions were lifted and we could actually pay on the day! Yet again this hinted at a lackadaisical approach to web site management. On arrival a full car park testified to a busy course and information boards requested that you check in at the pro shop before playing. A meandering walk past golfers heading in multiple directions, course signs and an extensive buggy park brings you to the Pro Shop. A quick conversation with the guys behind the covid screens and we are informed that our two loops today would be Forest and Pines. GPS settings initiated on devices showed just how many variations of loop you can have here and the algorithm that sends people on their way is undoubtedly better than the one devised by Ofqual to provide children with their assessed examination grades for 2020 Forest, hole one, is a 384 yard par 4 SI 13, which doesn’t seem particularly intimidating. Pinus Sylvestris, Pinus Nigra and various other species of pine tree that I don’t know the name of run down either side of the fairway and varying types of fungi from Agaricus Bisporus to Agaricus Campestris and the odd Psyloscybe Cubensis, are dotted around the forest floor, giving it an almost magical feel! Admittedly we are in a forest of pines with a sprinkling of bunkers but the fairway is wide enough and we all get off to a decent start. Unlike our previous two encounters with our opposition (Nigel and Brian) we go one down however team-mate Michael brings us back to all square at the 394 yard Par 4 SI 5 second. Game on and I reckon it is going to be a goodie! People who read this blog regularly will note however that my judgement is far from sound when it comes to golf and we are about to hit an all time low. At the 4th 320 yard par 4 SI 11 dog leg left Brian tees off and somehow squeezes it left of the fairway through two mighty conifers. Nigel strikes one confidently down the middle for an easy lay up to the green. Michael goes right, into the forest and I hit one straight but short. As Michael disappears into the woods I am sure I can hear the feint strains of “Hi Ho Hi Ho” emanating from the undergrowth. Having found his ball he drives out only to enter the woods once again but this time just short of the green. From my position I can see the green but its tight, as a well girthed tree blocks a direct shot in. In a brave attempt to play it as close as I can the result is the first of many “thwack” the ball takes a sharp right off the trunk and ends up inches away from Michael’s. The opposition however have had no issues and go two up after four. The 5th is the second par 5 of the day and at 487 yards it is deemed SI 3. Michael hits one left and once again enters the pines. The lyric, “In the pines, in the pines where the sun don’t ever shine” continues to repeat itself in my mind and I take time to reflect on this great American folk song made famous by the grunge band Nirvana in 1990, whose lead singer sadly passed away in 1994 with a drug overdose and self-inflicted gun-shot wound. Anyway, back to the golf and the rest of us hit the fairway. As we take the statutory 3 minutes to help find Michael’s ball, I’m sure I catch a glimpse of a young girl in a hooded red top, carrying a wicker basket, and skipping off into the distance. Regardless, the ball is found and we continue merrily on our way. My third shot carries the hidden bunker protecting the front of the hollow green but lands in the only piece of gorse on the course. Two shots to get out and we are doomed. Nigel and Brian are now three up and smiling from ear to ear. Don’t get me wrong they had their fair share of leaf and bark but as Nigel repeatedly said after any wayward shot “It should be alright there” and you know what, it invariably was. For him! He also considers that trees are made up of at least 30% air and therefore should not cause a problem which they don’t for a guy who can boom it miles over the forest canopy. Come the first par 3 of the day, the 157 yard SI 15 6th , we stem the flow somewhat as I make par and half the hole. The 7th a par 4, 385 yard SI 7 sees everybody get away well. My drive was particularly pleasing, as on this rare occasion I had hit it well. After three years of play with my regular partner on my home course he had offered me my first ever tip which saw me change my stance at address and overnight it had almost eradicated my natural hook. I can’t wait for his next tip to come along, I just hope that I am still around to make use of it! On walking up to the ball, I see it has stopped only a few inches from the side of the bunker and the only way I can play forward is to stand neck high in the bunker and hit it as if I am using a baseball bat. A baseball bat I didn’t have and therefore attempted to use a rescue wood only to miss my shot completely. Sadly, air shots count, and my frustrations lead to another one not long after. Four down! By the time we reach, allegedly, the hardest hole on the course SI 1, 386 yard par 4 9th and final hole of the Forest loop we are five down!  As we wait for the four ball in front to clear the green and repair a trolley which appears to have lost a wheel, I shared with my compatriots that I now had a blog reader situated in the States. Quick as a flash Brian replied, “Is that Longhill or Greatfield?” For the uninitiated these are two renowned council estates in the east of Hull. The fact that the wheels had well and truly fallen off our game long before the one ahead of us didn’t seem to matter one jot. Driving the 9th Nigel goes off to the right only to a chorus of “It’ll be alright” from a disillusioned twosome who are trying anything they possibly can to curb the onslaught. Thankfully, three bogeys and a par from Michael sees us pull one back. To select this course as a decider in our three-game tournament was perhaps a big mistake but Michael had played the hole like a pro and a mini revival was on the cards. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be a false dawn. Earlier in the game unsuccessful shots with Michaels 5 wood and me with a hapless 3 wood saw both clubs returned to their respective bags never to be seen again. At least we had the nous to adapt our game from poor to mediocre. Commencing the Pines loop there is a distinct feeling that fairways have narrowed, bunkers are more prolific and the trees of doom are encroaching from all directions. The first at Pines is a par 5, 476 yard SI 12 which we both bogey, but it is enough to take the hole. We are bouncing back! The second another par 4 at 372 yards SI 8 sees Michael yet again win the hole, we are buzzing. The 3rd a par 3 SI 16 at 175 yards shouldn’t be a problem, unless of course you end up in the pot bunkers and take four to get out. After the first failed attempt any golfer who is anybody would consider changing their approach, not me, same relative position, same stroke same result, four times! Four down! Arriving at the 4th SI 14 at 369 yards even Nigel comments that this hole is nowhere near that easy and we all nod profusely. By this time in the round my over-compensation for the hook is having an adverse effect, I am now consistently firing into the woods on the left hand side.  On one occasion I am so irate that I kick the caps off some large fungi only to look up and see a brightly robed prince galloping across the fairway on a brilliant white steed. It’s a pity it wasn’t the knight in shining armour that I so desperately needed. I do however give my head a wobble and carry on regardless. Once again Michael to the rescue. Do you ever get the feeling that your partner may be carrying you! Three down and we move off to the easiest hole on the course a par 5 463 yard dog leg left rising all the way to a hidden pond. Myself, Michael and Nigel go left into the woods but Nigel’s is alright, obviously, and Brian hits the fairway. My partner and I have no view of the fairway and therefore chip out, quickly followed by some atrocious fairway play as we both sink our third deep into the pond. Oh, did I forget to tell you, if the trees don’t get you on this course, the bunkers and ponds certainly do. Game over and its 5 and 3 to the opposition. What’s left? Well, we could play double or quits, best of three, or just turn it into a five leg tournament. The latter seem eminently more sensible to me and my partner but I am not so sure the opposition agreed. We now arrive at the signature hole 7th a par 3 182 yards over an enormous pond. Brian not for the first time today hits the green, Nigel goes slightly right and sits on the apron, Michael goes significantly left. I take my stance and drive to a chorus of “Oooooooooooohhhhhhh, Aaaahhhhh as it rises majestically, lands on the green and rolls towards the hole. I am sure if we had nearest the pin, I would have won, but Brian might have had something to say about that. This signature hole is renowned for having 6000 balls removed from it in one year alone, not ours though, because we are classy golfers and three pars and a bogey see us move on to the last two holes of the day. The penultimate hole is our 5th par 5 of the day at 476 yards SI 10 , with little to write home about, apart from my second producing another resounding thwack and me playing the hole down Forest’s 7th , what’s the problem! I did have visions of ending up once again neck high in the bunker however it was occupied and I thankfully went right towards Pines 8th fairway. The 9th a par 4 433 yard SI 4 sees Brian and Nigel take the hole. Ah well, we might as well finish, as we started and after 4 hours a disgruntled pair trudge off after a less than satisfactory showing. The offer on the website to visit the Pines bar for a round after your round, to wind down, critique your swing and plan your next visit is declined by one and all as it was closed! Web designers pfffh! You may have noticed I have not as yet mentioned the greens at Forest Pines, so here we go. They are not particularly quick but they are deceiving, subtle changes in level and direction cause what looks like a straightforward putt to move gently away from the hole. An interesting tip I picked up from the VLOG mentioned earlier is course designers tend to slope greens towards bunkers to aid drainage. How true this is I am unsure but maybe next time I will take it into account and see if my putting ratio improves. When I introduced this article, I mentioned the yellow bellies of Lincolnshire. Anyone who comes from the area has this moniker attached to them and the origin of the phrase is entrenched in myth, with stories of militia men, newts and sheep to name but a few! One source states the Royal North Lincolnshire Militia officers would wear bright yellow waistcoats on the battlefield making it easier for their men to spot them, perhaps they overlooked the fact that it also made them rather obvious targets. Another story states there is a breed of newt common to the fens that has a bright yellow underside, or, what about the opium used to combat malaria that was prevalent in the area in earlier times often giving the skin a strange yellow tinge, hence yellowbelly. There are numerous other stories which I do not intend to go into at this time  but in researching the derivation of the phrase I did come across a couple of sayings using the local dialect which sum up my visit to Forest Pines Golf Course. the first being “ You're far welter'd” meaning in an awkward position and you need help to get out of it and the secondly “A load of kilter and rammel” which means what a load of rubbish! So, to sum up, was it. after all, just a hallucinogenic fairy tale or did we really get battered? I’ll let you know when the yellow comes out from the bruising.