OULTON HALL GOLF AND SPA LEEDS (A TORTUOUS TRAIL)
OULTON HALL GOLF & SPA https://www.oultonhallhotel.co.uk/golf/
This was only the second Super Sunday ever arranged by me and it has been far from easy.
A Super
Sunday for those unaccustomed to golf parlance is an overnight stay (invariably
on a Sunday) at a golf and spa hotel of your choice, consisting of two rounds
of golf, bed, breakfast and evening meal, all for the inclusive price on this
occasion of £99.
A good deal indeed, that is, if the hotel is of a decent standard, the golf course similar and of course you can get the Monday off work. Thankfully, for me and my three compatriots the last statement doesn’t come into the equation. Retirement, semi-retirement and self-employment certainly provide you with a lot of flexibility, even in these uncertain Covid times.
The
original venue of choice was Aldwark Manor, north of York, I had stayed there a
number of years ago while on business, but at the time I had no interest in
golf therefore I didn’t even take a walk round the grounds never mind the
course but the hotel was top class.
Booked way
back in January 2020 when the world was at peace with itself and nobody had
used the words lockdown, pandemic, Covid 19, coronavirus or shielding, we were
all set to go, and then, the floods hit! Remember them, they were just before
the plague! It’s been a year of Biblical proportions hasn’t it?
Based on
individual’s availability, the hotels reopening, hotel alterations and new
ownership, our providers Golfbreaks.com, were very understanding and throughout
the year we negotiated alternative dates for the visit. Eventually we agreed a
date in August, only to be informed a week prior to departure, that the hotel
had once again closed for renovation.
With
patience wearing thin, one of our four, suggested an alternative in the form of
Oulton Hall Golf and Spa and so it was we arranged for Sunday 11th
October 2020.
We were
ready for the off, unfortunately by Sunday the 4th October I had
contracted some form of virus that gave me a headache, runny nose and hacking
cough but at least I could still smell through my mucus ridden passages. At
midnight that day I considered it important, for the health of my companions,
to request a Covid test. With all the news surrounding testing it looked as if
Super Sunday was once again going to be derailed or it would be a man down. To
my surprise the NHS app provided me with a walk in test at 11.00 am the
following morning and so it was I duly turned up to administer my own gagging
swab down the back of my rosy throat and up my snotty nose.
The thought of fourteen days self-isolation was not one I wanted to consider but it could be a reality. The promise of a 72 hour turn around at least gave me a fighting chance to be on the road come the following Sunday and it was with surprise and delight that within 26 hours of administering the test, the all clear came through. I was Covid free and clearly just harboured a bad cold. Either that or I was just a wimp!
Unlike
Donald H Trump (Commander In Cheat) my cavalcade on release was a little less
understated as I took in a round at the local club just to hone my skills for
the big day.
Super
Sunday was about to happen 10 months down the line.
Oulton
Hall is in easy reach of Junction 30 of the M62 and as you enter the grounds a
large billboard advertises a four star hotel golf and spa experience. Very
nice.
A tree
lined drive takes you past the Calverley course 18th on the right
hand side and the Hall course 9th (27th) on the left.
First
impressions as you enter the Hall reception is one of opulence. High ceilings,
panelled walls, Victorian statues, plush seating and a balustraded great hall
all smack of four stars. The Champagne bar to the left doesn’t deter you from
this initial view.
A notice
at reception however warns golfers not to leave their equipment visible in cars
as a surge of thefts had taken place recently. We were also informed that The
Claret Jug (clubhouse restaurant and bar) was closed to visitors. Not good.
Having arrived early we took time out to avail ourselves of the Champagne bar and as we sipped out lattes, cappuccinos and Earl Greys we appreciated the view out of the large Georgian window which overlooked the Hall Course. My eye however was drawn to the tea stained milk jug. Four star?
Turning up
at the Pro Shop 30 minutes prior to tee off time we were informed our round
would consist of the Hall 9 followed by the front 9 of the Calverley Course.
Not as outlined in our booking but no never mind.
The walk
to the 1st was somewhat longer than anticipated as we lost our way
at the first fork in the path however we duly arrived to be met by the starter
who explained the hazards surrounding the first few holes.
Today’s protagonists are not new to readers
of this blog but they do have their own idiosyncrasies.
They were as
follows:
The Opposition, The
Boom Boom Brothers.
Player One: Nigel a
much-vaunted individual on these pages. Steely focused player with an air of
relaxation between strikes, who can get himself out of tricky situations with
an array of shots and who of course boom’s it miles.
Player Two: Dirk,
Nigel’s brother, a highly regarded player on the amateur/professional scene way back in
the 70/80’s who just stopped playing. A recent revival has come about due to
his good lady developing an interest in the game. Rumour has it he went for
lessons recently and the Pro thankfully listened and was able to learn a thing
or two! Lithe, cunning, clever and crafty. All of the skills you wish you had
but will never acquire in a month of Super Sundays!
The Team: Trees
Company!
Player One:
Matthew. An agile sportsman in his pomp, highly competitive on the field of
play but a gentleman off it. The ravages of time however expose a mild-mannered
man who would so like a return to those heady days but is now more accepting of
his bodies demands, a fine golfer on the day.
Player Two: Me, a
baby boomer who acts like a millennial off the course but an interbellum on it.
Wants to play like Bryson DeChambeau but is more De Shambles!
Let play commence.
The Hall, 19th
Hole dog leg right, Par 4, at 317 yards, SI 8, fairway sloping downhill right
to left. Dirk and Matthew hit the rough
to the left, Nigel down the middle, me slightly right. Matthew recovers well
and gets us off to our usual good start and we are one up.
20th
hole, par 5, dog leg left, 473 yards, SI 2. All get away well and approach
shots are more than acceptable. Fairway grass appear to be a little on the long side
and 1st and 2nd cut even more so. As I chip on to the
green, I note with dismay, that I have played the wrong ball. Nigel is of the
opinion that I accept a two-stroke penalty and the tone is set for the next two
days. All square.
21st
hole, par 5, SI 2, 547 yards, takes you past the Georgian window we had been
looking out of earlier and with a few minor mishaps we quickly move on to the 4th
as a dashed blue line painted along the
car park takes us to the 22nd
tee, a par 4, 358 yard. SI 7. At which point I note that the SI for the
holes on The Hall course are numbered 1 to 9. I highlight this to Nigel who
says not to worry about it as the front 9 of the Calverley will even this out. Glancing
at the scorecard I am unsure how but bow to the knowledge of the well informed
and we move on.
The 24th
hole on the Hall course is by far the most interesting, apparently SI 1, 342
yards, par 4, with a large pond running along the length of the green.
Nigel,
Dirk and Matthew hit left off the tee, I go straight and as we walk to our
second, Nigel checks as to whether my ball has its swimming trunks on or not.
Funny bugger. With this thought running through my head I lay up, the others
fire in but short of the green. I go to chip my 3rd and shank it
into the pond. Damn, blast and bloody hell, I hate iron shots.
27th, par 3, SI 9, 162 yards, sees me add to our score with a short drive off the tee, a chip and putt.
After a
long trek we then move to the front 9 of the Calverley Course and “Trees
Company” are sitting 2 up. The Boom Boom Brothers however are a little
perplexed, particularly Nigel, who had only dropped three shots and was still
two down after nine. We had either played particularly well, or something was
amiss.
As we
waited at the 10th (Calverley 1st) to tee off, closer
scrutiny of the scorecard and local rules, explained how we should have
calculated the SI on the Hall course. It appears it is dependent on which 9 of
the Calverley Course you play. Mathematically speaking if you play 1 to 9 SI =
2n-1, if it is the back 9 then SI = 2n. It’s
easily understood if you read the rules, but we hadn’t and when I enquired way
back at the 22nd, Nigel had been accepting of the scores. Having also hit me with a 2 shot penalty
earlier, I was of the opinion that the scores should stand. He was not a happy
bunny and as an aside to his younger brother he murmured, “You better pull your
finger out as I don’t want the hassle at the end.” Think I might have pressed a
button or two here.
The front
9 starts with a dog leg left, par 4, at 366 yards, with an accurate SI 10. I
have the honour and drive off to shouts of “It’s not a dog leg right is it?”
And that was from my partner!
Two holes later
and it is all square, Dirk had pulled his finger out and was playing like the
teenage pro he once was! Don’t you just hate those people who can recapture
their youth!
The 3rd,
dog leg left, SI 4, par 4, at 409 yards, sees both Matthew and I acquire the
score necessary to take the hole but that would not have appeared the case at
the beginning, as he had driven into rough on the left and I only just got over
the strategically placed ponds and tree. Whereas the Boom Boom Brothers lived
up to their name. Approach shots for these two however fell away unlike Trees Company.
Reaching
the par 3 6th , SI 8, at 170 yards we are one down, the big hitters
take irons to loft the ball well short of the green and I opt for a driver to the
derision of all around. Regardless I drive,
chip on and place a well-aimed putt into the centre of the cup. As we walk off
a little manic snigger is heard from my partner, Could we by hook or by crook, beat
these two? More the latter me thinks
than the former!
Off to the 7th then, par 5, SI 16, at 476 yards. Nigel takes heed of his own advice and removes his own digit from his orifice and rubs it in our faces as we go one down! The 8th, SI 6, at 354 yards, is halved courtesy of Dirk and Matthew. As Nigel walks off to the last leaving us in his steaming wake, Dirk enquires of him if the half is acceptable, the response is curt but probably accurate “At this moment, yes!”
The 9th,
310 yards, SI 12, its all on this last hole as to whether:
1. We draw
with the Boom Boom Brothers and have an amicable pint after the game
2. We lose,
and the evening is one of happy reflection
3. We draw,
and it kicks off over the dining room table as the steak tartare and sea bass
on a bed of samphire exchange opposite sides of the table!
All drives
are sufficient, if not good, second shots sees Matthew, who has been determined
to lose one particular ball all round shank it deep into the trees, I duff, the
Boom Booms pitch up nicely and its game over, an amicable pint it is then in
the Claret Jug bar, that apparently is open until 6.00 pm. Four stars! Confused?
I know I am.
Draught
alcohol is limited however and the staff lock us in from the inside to prevent
others entering as last orders is called, Itt’s all very strange, but at least
we have a couple of beers before officially checking in to the hotel.
To sum up
the course then, the greens are in a poor state and have patches of sand
splattered across the surface, the roll is uneven and on occasion the ball will
bounce as you attempt to roll up. The fairways are poorly cut with little
distinction between the cuts. The tee boxes are bare in places and soggy in
others. The bunkers consist of compacted sand and have not been cared for in
some time as plant growth is showing through.
A premier
golf resort on your doorstep it is not!
Many a
municipal course would turn its nose up at the standard and not one green
keeper was seen over the two days. The only indication that there is such a
person was on the second day when we played the Calverley Course and the par 3
6th had the tee box markers moved from the right hand side to the
left. Calverley and Hall are not overly long courses but the walks from green
to tee can be, particularly the 4th to 5th and the 16th
to 17th, not to mention walking through the car park on the Hall 3rd
to 4th!
Prior to arriving on the day I had phoned the hotel to amend the room allocation as I considered my
coughing would not be advantageous to Matthew’s game on the second day and therefore I organised two separate rooms for us. On checking in, the Boom Boom Brothers had been allocated a Queen double and alongside their clubs, we didn’t feel there would be much room for them both in the bed. A quick trek back to reception and Nigel is allocated his own room at no extra cost! There is a saying in Hull that if a person fell in the dock, they would come out with a pocket full of fish. How true this is of Nigel.
With the
main meal booked for 6.30 pm we had a rapid turn round but it did give Matthew
the opportunity to shower and hopefully ease some of the pains that had begun
to inflict him. It must be said his round hadn’t got off to the best of starts as
he had fallen up the steps on the way to the course and in his own words
“duffed his knee, finger and bust his watch”
On arrival
at the dining room we were informed that they had no sirloin steak that evening
and the hotel had run out of draught beer. We could of course have a bottle of
house red at £27 a bottle. Four stars down to three and dropping.
The meals
were satisfactory and with a £28 supplement per head we only had to pay £20
over the odds for a three-course meal. The empty bottles of Coors covering the
white linen however did bump up the cost considerably.
Retiring
to the Champagne Bar for last orders we were informed that Coors was now off
and we could have the last two bottles of Yorkshire Blonde or a bottle of Blue Nun,
or something to that effect! Four stars now masquerading as two and
disappearing quicker than a rat up a drainpipe. Could the experience
deteriorate further or could it pulls itself round on day two?
Day two saw an 8.30 am breakfast which was good, Continental and full English, setting us up nicely for the day ahead. Quickly back to three stars.
Entering
the club house we requested the opportunity to play the Calverley in its
entirety and we were quickly rebuffed as the young Pro said it was fully
booked. Within seconds of viewing the booking screen however he changed his
mind and stated if we went now, we would be OK. So it was, we shot off to the
first to repeat yesterday’s back nine.
The major difference
today however was, Matthew was struggling and the only thing that still seemed
to be working well was his watch! Nigel who had apparently been struggling the
day before from a stiff arm due to a recent flu jab was more relaxed, oh dear,
and Dirk was more than happy to go for it, oh heck!
Before you knew it, we were three down
after the first three and it was not looking good.
The 4th,
417 yard, par 4, dog leg right, saw Matthew stop the rot. His approach shot was
excellent, his own physical approach however was a sight to behold. 60 yards
back from the green is a very wet ditch with wood framed wall and poor bridging
either side. To watch Matthew top this hazard was not pretty. A wet, slippy
incline, caused him a great deal of confusion Was it to be body first followed
by buggy, or buggy first followed by body? Like Old King Cole he was half way up,
but neither up nor down, he was stuck on a three foot slope with nowhere to go!
As Nigel approached to give assistance, the fighter that lies deep within came
to the fore and with one mighty bound, or was it a little soft shoe shuffle, he
extricated himself from a difficult situation and went on to half the hole,
what a hero.
With
renewed verve and vigour, Trees Company, were revitalised, we were back in the
game and before we knew it, we had lost the 7th!
We did however
half the 8th and win the 9th! A recovery of sorts.
The back nine was all new and at three down we needed to gird our loins and initiate a comeback?
The 10th,
SI 11, par 4, at 318 yards, is a relatively straight hole for this course,
which slowly rose up the fairway on to a plateau. Not for the first time you
could see the steeple of St John the Evangelist Church which sits at the
entrance to the 300 acres that is Oulton Hall Golf and Spa. The church was
built in the 1800s by the Calverley family who owned the hall way back in the
18th century but recently lead had been stolen from the church roof,
whereabouts unknown. Could I suggest it is sat in a lockup somewhere close by, along with a
number of visitor’s clubs and the sand from the bunkers.
The hall
has had an interesting past for it suffered fire damage early in its existence,
was turned into a hospital in 1918 for army officers suffering from the now
defunct malady of neurasthenia and thereafter fell into a dilapidated state, until De Vere
Hotels invested £20 million into reviving it in the 1990s.
Neurasthenia is an ill-defined medical condition
characterized by laziness, fatigue, headache, and irritability, associated
chiefly with emotional disturbance, Undoubtedly, a condition which afflicts the
green keepers and stock takers of Oulton Hall.
The 13th
saw a heavy down pour arrive that had been predicted earlier in the day but
thankfully Matthew had a second wave of the golfing kind and halved the hole.
The 14th,
par 3, SI 15, saw Matthew muster his last reserves and we took the hole.
The
pleasantly positioned 15th, SI 7, par 4, at 303 yards, is a dog leg
left with a tight entrance to the small green enclosed in woodland. Matthew came in the hard way over the tree-tops
whereas the rest of us sneaked through the gap to the green. A shared hole and at
least we were making them fight for the victory. The par 4 16th, at
377 yards, SI 5 was also halved but it wasn’t enough to stave off the
inevitable as the Boom Boom Brothers went to the final two victorious.
Unsurprisingly,
as we completed the circuit, the final two holes were dog leg par 4’s and
counted for nothing, which was probably just as well, for every ounce of energy
had seeped away from my partner as he finally returned to the car a spent force.
He was knackered!
Perhaps
neurasthenia isn’t an ill-defined medical condition after all, as it spreads
unchecked through anybody who stays in the Hall! Viruses do that sort of thing you know.
The conversation
with Matthew on the journey home centred around ailments, illnesses and frighteningly, retirement from the beautiful game. This worries me, as how could I possibly
find another partner who would put up with me!
I was
hoping a warm Radox bath awaited Matthew on his return, thereby allowing him to once again soothe away his woes.
I wouldn’t
mind but as he had flagged on the back nine, I did offer to drop him off at
Hull Royal Infirmary on the way back home and as he rightly said I’m all heart.
How true.
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