IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!

 

As the nation takes time out to mourn the loss of loved ones over the last year, golfers nationwide are counting down the days as we “emerge from the long dark tunnel on our road map to freedom”. Excuse the filching of cliches, the words after all belong to our illustrious leader, who undoubtedly will have filched them himself!

Almost three months have elapsed since we bludgeoned our way into Lock Down 3 and now our saviour has arrived in the form of a protein based antigen stored in a phial. Boris’ prayers answered, as he basks in the glory of a super charged roll out. Something I note, that has little to do with him or his team of parliamentary puddings. Even Blind Dom of Barnard Castle let down the drawbridge recently to tell us how the Health Secretary and his gang at the DHSC, were a “smoking ruin”. No love lost there then, between the sacked and the sacker.

So, what have we golfers of this sceptred isle done in the interim? A quick whizz round the regulars reveals online buying has certainly been high on our agenda. Shoes, trews and pullovers, ordered and delivered within days are now sat expectantly on shelves, desperate to see the cold light of day. The base, mid and outer layers remain tagged and stored ready for the onset of inclement weather, undoubtedly occurring within a week of the grand re-opening. Thankfully, the Ides of March will be behind us however I have a feeling it won’t be too long before the daggers come out as match play battles recommence up and down the land.

In addition to ensuring sweat shop clothing factories in far flung countries continue to prosper, golfers have also bought a few essential bits and bobs. For example, tees (carbon neutral and biodegradable of course) and pencils, which I might add have rubbers on the end. Yes, I am now the proud owner of a bargain box of 72, which has found its way into my exclusive golf cupboard. They should last a life time however I do admit to using up to four already on the daily crossword and sudoku essential for one’s good mental health during lockdown! At least there is still some lead left in the old man’s pencil box for the summer ahead.

In the run up to restart two, or is it three, I’ve lost count, games are being arranged thick and fast.

Clubs are initially refusing visitors, altering booking arrangements and generally short changing their regulars, heralding the great tee off as a the best offer ever to their members. Social media platforms across England’s golf clubs, explain how they have ensured the best deal, by transferring monies into club discount cards or providing a percentage reduction in the next annual fee. Clearly, their offer being above and beyond that of any other club and never knowingly underselling! Sounds like a high-end retailer I know and they’ re in bother.

With an abundance of time on my hands over these winter months, my mind has wandered, and I have contemplated the bigger questions in life such how can we pay off the accrued national debt or return unemployment to a more acceptable level? Every week on Mundanity day I have a spark of brilliance, I develop my thoughts the following day and on Woe dins day I have it  cracked. Not only can I resolve the countries finances, but I can also reduce youth unemployment overnight!

Why not introduce our own version of test and trace, whereby every golfer conscripts a youth, whose sole purpose is to trace our Titleist Pro V1 (who can afford to lose one of these) as it flies into the flora. It would cost far less than the £37 billion spent to date, boost our economy overnight and significantly reduce youth unemployment. A stroke of genius!

Then like a hammer to the head, Thor’s day arrives, and I am brought down to earth, as I am cast once again into the wilderness of the “other room”, to watch non-stop golf for four days, eventually re-emerging to another Mundanity day raising its ugly head.

To be fair, there has been the odd spark of excitement as I check my weekly position in the Fantasy League Race to Dubai, but with a difference of 3555 points between myself and leader KRYTEN I can’t really see any way back. I am unsure however, as to whether we all signed on the dotted line, when it came to paying £5 per head for the joy of finishing in the bottom half of Waggy’s Wonderful World of Golf League Table?

No mention as yet, has been made to my thoughts of buying new clubs. In particular, the two we use most, the putter and the driver. Advice from sages far and wide however has suggested I hold back on this tomfoolery until pro shops re- open and I can grab hold of a firm but receptive shaft!

What then will the forthcoming season provide, and more importantly will it continue uninterrupted?

Will KRYTEN continue to bag the rewards, will the BEAU eventually find true romance?

Will the BUILDER complete his latest project, will the METRONOME miss a beat and will the BANDIT ever admit to being better than his WHS score suggests?

Off the tee will BOOM BOOM break the sound barrier and will the FITTER commit to a weekly game?

So many questions unanswered, It’s almost too exciting, I can’t wait.