HORNSEA GOLF CLUB (FROM MERE TO MIRE)

HORNSEA GOLF CLUB	https://www.hornseagolfclub.co.uk/
Type of course	Parkland	18 holes	Par 72
Course distance	White 6674 yds	Yellow 6440 yds	Red 5669 yds
Holes	3 x Par 3	12 x Par 4	3 x Par 5
Played	23/05/21
Claim to Fame: One of Yorkshire’s Finest

If the truth be known I have been wanting to play this course for some time. Why? Well, wherever I go, who ever I meet and who ever I play with, they always say “Have you played Hornsea yet, it’s a lovely course?”

The opportunity to do so eventually came along in the form of the East Riding Union four ball am-am, in which I played with three regulars from the Wednesday morning crew. The Bandit, the Builder, the Metronome and me. With only two scores to count on every hole and playing alongside these three, I was probably going to be more of a lightweight passenger and sight seer rather than a key player. I hadn’t however realised how competitive these guys can be.

Hornsea Golf Club was established as a members' club in 1898 and moved to its present site in 1908. The course was designed by Sandy Herd and subsequently modified in its early years by Dr Alister Mackenzie and James Braid.

Further alterations were made in the early 1990’s.  Howard Swan, the internationally renowned golf course architect, was engaged in 2010 to make recommendations on the set-up of the course, particularly bunker alterations and removal, as part of their ongoing course improvement plan.

Strategically placed bunkers on the fairway eh, I wandered how I would cope.

The club boasts the course is in great condition all year round and after 48 hours of nonstop rain, and a full day of tee times, that claim was going to be sorely tested.

The journey there was far from satisfactory, as roadworks abound in and around

the city of Hull and getting stuck behind a lorry on the minor roads didn’t help. A worrying phone call from the Bandit re my whereabouts, should have given me an inkling as to the seriousness of the game however as I passed the Mere, I was unaware that some time soon, I would be in the mire! As an aside, Hornsea Mere is the largest freshwater lake in Yorkshire and unlike my golf, according to the BBC, is listed as one of the seven natural wonders of Britain.

On arrival at a very crowded car park the Bandit, with club in hand, was ready to guide me to a parking space which didn’t allay my fears as to the urgency, I therefore used more haste and less speed, whatever that means and readied myself for the off. Said player had paid my entry fee and  the others were sat waiting on the low wall at the first, which issituated through the arch at the bottom of the car park. As the sun had come out all that was required was to add a bit of cream to the reddening face and in order to protect his natural good looks, the Bandit like myself, donned a gallon or two of said cream to the facial protrusion. There was a similarity here to an England fast bowler ready to tackle an Indian opener in the heat of the noon day Delhi sun. He was ready for battle!

As indeed was the Builder, who had spent his morning  rethreading a boot lace with four varying size tees. Waste not want not as they say! The Metronome carried his usual air of calmness, although I did note slight displeasure early in the round when one of his bamboo tees gave way, under the constant pressure of a driver barrage!

Driving off from the first, SI 16, par 4 at 306 yards, all seemed well, me, left,  the Bandit and Builder, right and I don’t have to tell you where the Metronome went.

As we advanced down the course a quick rendition from the Builder’s book of anecdotes revealed he had a new driver. It appeared, after three hours of testing at Stainton Golf Centre his caddy, aka the Bandit, had convinced him to bag a bargain and he was looking for a good return on the day.

Second shot at the first and we were all on the green. Two shots later myself and the Bandit had bagged us 6 points. This competition was going to be a doddle!

Off to the 2^nd SI 14, par 4, 320 yards and before you knew it, me and the Metronome had bagged us 4 points. What’s to worry about, a slight breeze, glorious sunshine, nothing could be finer than to be on the beautiful Hornsea course  bagging point after point. 

And that was the last you saw of me until the 11^th when I resurfaced from a mire of doom and gloom. What had brought on this despondency, why had such a great start disappeared without trace, who could inflict such misery on me? Answer, me!

The 3^rd par 5, SI 8, 494 yards, didn’t look particularly daunting. A dog leg right, which as the Metronome said, would be an advantage with my natural cut and so it was, I was sitting pretty in the middle of the fairway. The 2^nd flew well however, I hit the raised back edge of the fairway bunker and saw the ball roll steadfastly into the sand. A couple of duff shots later, followed by a poor approach and putt and my head had gone! When will I ever learn?

This game is about concentrating for short periods of time and not knocking yourself up when it goes wrong. Perhaps a therapist would help, or just take up the offer to join the Builder at weekly golf lessons, for as he says, he still needs to fine tune, whereas I require a full engine refit!

As I disappeared without trace, many years of experience in golf competition came to the fore as the others continued to merrily build the score.

I  quickly learned, if you want to win one of these competitions the team should be aiming to score 5 or 6 points  every hole and not 1 or 2 which instantly reminded me of a sketch from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The Holy Hand Grenade of Anteoch, sees a character reading from the Good Book, “When using it thou shall count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shall count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count, neither count thou two, accepting that thou then proceed to three. 5 is right out!’ Classic comedy, bit like my golf.

As the red mist fell, I noted the slightest distraction could cause a problem. For instance, the  Builder’s rustling of a nutty fruit bar wrapper became a cacophony of sound ringing in my ears. He did offer me a bite. but I graciously declined. I also don’t think I am alone in respect of distractions, as at the 9^th green, situated close to the 13^th tee an earlier group were driving off, when the  Metronome commented on the quality of the Builder’s approach play, only to be shot daggers by the gentleman on the  tee who was at the zenith of his back swing. By all accounts he was not a happy bunny.

The 11^th  at 282 yards par 4, SI 15 is an exquisite looking hole, well designed using pond and bunker to lull you into a false sense of security, thankfully, a mini recovery of sorts saw me once again contribute to the score line followed by  more points at the 15th, the 17^th and  the 18^th .

As to the Builder’s new driver, it had performed well but had probably found more sand than he could order from a Merchant’s Yard.

The Bandit continued to dazzle from all quarters of the course, and boy he can find some interesting places to play from. At the 13^th SI 7 par 4, 354 yards, he produced one of the best drives of the day and came out with an expletive that shocked everyone, “Crikey almighty!” he said, and we were stunned by the politeness! His second disappeared into a copse but came out almost immediately. How does he do it?

The Metronome, as you would expect was his usual steely self and provided the most points for the team. He summed up my despair, when missing a short putt at the 14^th SI 1 par 4 at 460 yards, I placed my head in my hands and was heralded with, “Unlucky Basil!”.

Hoping for the best at the 18^th SI 9 par 4 at 400 yards, we actually carded our worst score, the Builder went from bunker to bunker, the Metronome miscued his second and was heard to say “What a load of ****”, a  2021 golfing term according to the Builder!

Coming off at the 18^th, 77 points was the score and nowhere near good enough on the day. A quick discussion followed and it was agreed that we would not retire to the clubhouse veranda for a drink, we therefore said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.  As we moved off I also had to sadly inform the team that I would be unavailable for the next event.  

On the day I didn’t have the time to check out the shop or the clubhouse however I can state confidently that the course stood up to its claim to fame and coped very well with the masses on the day. It is a far hillier course than you would expect, with rolling, undulating fairways, strategically placed ponds, greens that lie in hollows or atop sloping rises and the bunkers! Well, the less said about them, the better

As I departed the car park, I quickly glanced at my phone messages, only to note my  name and number had been removed from the team ‘whats app’ group quicker than you could shake a stick at a ball!

The cut and thrust of competition, eh!

In  2021 golfer parlance then, “Ah well, **** it, maybe next time!”