HAIR WE GO (Hessle Golf Club)

 

HESSLE GOLF CLUB	https://www.hesslegolfclub.co.uk/
Type of course	Parkland	18 holes	Par 72
Course distance	White 6614 yds	Yellow 6333  yds	Red 5578  yds
Holes	4 x Par 3	10 x Par 4	4 x Par 5
Played	03/09/21
Claim to Fame: From Humble Beginnings to Regional Excellence

Having performed to a less than satisfactory standard in the local club inaugural, ‘Mustafa’s Am Am’, two days later, I was off to Hessle Golf Course, a club that perhaps sees itself a cut above all the rest in the area. With an off-peak round costing somewhere in the region of £45 a true Yorkshireman would always consider is it really worth it? Boom Boom however played a blinder, as he and I are both members of a society who were due to play there, he also ensured an invite was extended to the Welsh Wizard and the Fitter for a knock down price of £25, thus enabling us to continue our tri weekly match play competition.

The recently departed Mustafa, was once the proud owner of a quality steakhouse that served the people of Hull for many years and was the go to place, if you liked a slab of beef. Indeed, young Mr Boom Boom was a frequent visitor and clearly cut his teeth on a good T-Bone, thus providing him with the power he has off the tee.

Having bogeyed the 1^st and parring the 2^nd in the ‘Am Am’ I thought I was in for a good day, but golf being golf, that quickly vanished and all my bad habits quickly rose to the surface, ensuring my head went, as well as what little game I had. You could say my contribution to the team was less than I or they had hoped for. Thoughts of ditching the clubs and taking up macrame or needle point came to mind, but I’ve heard those needles can be very sharp! With the society meeting two days after the Am Am, I could go into the game hoping that all would be well or I could do something about it. Thankfully, with a few hours to spare before we met, I headed for the local driving range and knocked 50 balls with driver, wood, mid iron and wedge. It helped immensely as I once again set about removing the slice from my repertoire.

As you drive along Eppleworth Road, Raywell, up to Hessle Golf Club, the long sloping  rise with open fields either side, gives you a false sense of what to expect from the course.  Although the road signage is welcoming the electronically controlled gates across the top of the drive are not. The owners clearly want to preserve all that is good about the Dave Thomas/Peter Allis designed course, from prying eyes. Although called Hessle Golf Club it lies some 5 miles from the town of Hessle. The original course, which dates back to the 19th century, was lost when a road was needed to access Hull’s new Humber Bridge in the 1970s and re-opened in its current position in 1975.

Once you have gained access to the grounds, the transparent range booths lie on the right and the two storey club house on the left. Access to the latter requires a swipe card or use of a call button and immediately on entry you are greeted by multiple boards with the names of winners going back many years. The club house, considered to be more of a restaurant than a 19^th hole, is well furnished with mock leather seating and a side room for  the more casual drinker.

The coffee on offer had a lot to be desired, lukewarm and with the extra bonus of a fly in the Fitter’s cup it sadly didn’t shout ‘luxury’. The bacon butties were also rather too fatty for the trichologist within our fold.

Arriving in his newly acquired A5 soft top, the Welsh Wizard openly admitted that he was with all intents and purposes going through a midlife crisis and along with a suggestion from some of his friends that he take up the role of hairdresser, eyes were raised by the masculine, testosterone driven sexagenarians surrounding him!

Anyone you ask about this course, will come back at you, repeatedly, with the same issue, the difficulty to read the greens, therefore while we waited for our tee time, Boom Boom, the Fitter and myself spent some time on the practise green. Wales only answer to Nicky Clarke however, allegedly headed for the driving range, although on his return there was a slight odour of Tresemme in the air and a certain bounce to his bonce! As to the Fitter he entered the field of play with a limp, it appeared that he had pulled his groin during physical activity in the bedroom, putting a bed up! He was having great difficulty bending over and picking his ball out the cups, but we all knew someone who could help him bend over if need be!

Standing on the first tee, the club shop is directly behind you and contains the standard paraphernalia, the golf cart garage stands to your left and the slightly dog leg right disappears into the distance. A par 4 at 355 yards, SI 7, the hollowed fairway sloping left to right and rising up to the pin, is a gentle opener, although the green hints as to what is to come.  As we waited to strike off the Fitter reminisced about playing the course in earlier times, and he noted the multiple tree lines, that could be seen far and wide, were once mere bushes with plenty of space between trunk and branch. Little did he realise at the time, that he would be visiting them quite regularly on the way round!

The oft talked about greens can be compared to glazed inverted saucers that have been badly fired in the kiln. With so many subtle dips, hillocks, slopes and undulations they are indeed difficult to read. Pin position also adds to the difficulty on the day. Nevertheless, four bogeys and we were away, not only playing our medal but also the societies betterball competition. A quick glance at the scorecards revealed Boom Boom had gained a couple of shots on his normal handicap, as the society decides these based on previous performances! Skulduggery once again from the master of mischief. According to the Wizard the club shop had no course guide and the scorecards contain no map, another lapse on the road to regional excellence I would suggest.

The 2^nd a par 3 at 180 yards  SI 11 is downhill all the way with a wicked green sloping left to right and protected on the right hand side by a small copse. Not for the first time in his golfing career the Druid converses with the trees as others hit the green and watch the ball roll away to the skirt.

As you play the game of golf more often, your awareness of the etiquette becomes more acute and the need for serenity, when a player is about to strike the ball, whether it be on green, tee, fairway or bunker. The 5^th, the longest par 4 on the course at 423 yards SI 1, saw BB bring out the classic nose blowing ploy. All quiet, I had gone through the putting ritual, use the putter as a plumb line, assess the break, head down, view hole, view ball, view hole, view ball, mentally focus on the slow draw back. Even the birds were silent and then a military band starts up as BB clears his nasal cavities.  His version of Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance March No 1 in all its nasal glory was second to none!

There are many quality holes on the course, any one of which could be considered a signature hole, if they were positioned on any golf course throughout the country.  The 6^th at 377 yards SI 5 par 4,  is one such hole. Called the Old Wife Pit and according to the club’s website, legend has it, that the agricultural workers left their wives in the pit when they’d had enough of them. Not the sort of thing one would want to do in this day and age! Well not if you wanted to go home with your clubs and balls intact! The now flooded pit sits to the right of the fairway and will undoubtedly contain many of the latter but hopefully not of the human kind.

Having been away from the golf course for nearly three weeks as he travelled the length and breadth of Great Britain, laying down his crimson curls wherever he went, the Druid clearly needed to be one with nature. Although his tee shots were in the main sublime, at the par 4, 7^th, SI  9 at 339 yards, he teased and weized his way up the left side of the fairway, hitting every tree he possibly could. To say this caused consternation for his partner would be an understatement, as in no uncertain terms he told the ‘boyo’ to stop striking wood or he could be in for another benching.

Meanwhile, not to be outdone by his old school chum, the Fitter chose to do to me, exactly the same as BB had on the 5^th. Again, just as I was about to putt a sneeze of atomic proportions was released into the atmosphere. In his defence the Fitter had tried to hold it back but the smell of polyvinylpyrrolidone (PVP) from the wizards bouffant had clearly got the better of him. I wouldn’t mind so much but he was on my side!

The 8^th at 130 yards, par 3, SI  17 was the first of two nearest the pin holes set by the society., Sadly, we had obviously heard it wrong and decided to play nearest the green but failed in that respect also!

At the halfway mark our betterball scores were tallied up, Boom Boom and me had  17 points apiece, the Fitter had 15 and the Welsh version of Vidal Sassoon had just scraped double figures. A sacking was in the offing if he didn’t pull his finger out. Team Fitter and Wormburner were also sitting pretty at 3 up. BB asked if there was anybody with a blob (zero) on their card, to which the Fitter admitted to one, I had carded a score on every hole and Vidal had a card like your Grannies hairnet!

All was going well we were in the chair and sitting pretty. The 10^th a tight dog leg left, SI 10 par 4 at 340 yards rising gently away from the tee didn’t appear to reveal any issues. There was little sign of improvement from the Welsh one as he hit a few more trees, Boom Boom was long enough to go through the back after his second and me and my partner were just short. Two duff chips and four putts later I had attained my first big zero on the card but sadly not the last.

From here on in, the Wizard wielded his magic wand and started to take command of the course

As we lined up to play the par 4 12^th SI 12 at 362 yards, a grey squirrel sat in the open. The Druid wearing tinted spectacles was convinced it was red! As the coiffeur king was about to drive, the squirrel had obviously seen him coming and considered he was safer sat in the open than in the trees. While others faltered, however, he went from strength to strength!

Although our stableford scores were taking a hell of a bashing on the back nine, with four holes to play we were still one up in our comp.

The 16^th par 3 at 195 yards SI 8 is an absolute cracker and isn’t named the Pond for nothing.  Cutting across the entrance to the green is a large pond with fountain. Thick trees run all the way down the righthand side and the green slopes away to the left. Again, a hole which offered a nearest the pin prize but not for us. BB put his 7 wood in the water, the Fitter finds the trees, I go short of the green on the left and the Wizard hit his just hard enough to roll off the tee box and stop short of the ladies tee. No need to measure any of them then! The Wizard’s second however was top quality as he pulled off an unlikely par.

By the 17^th SI 4 par 4 at 385 yards, aptly named Gan Yam, it was all square however, the Fitter was pleading to ‘go home’. He needed a boost, he needed a good talking too, he needed a father figure to put an arm round him and raise his spirits and I was that man, as I said, “You’re not going home, now stop being silly, be a good boy and pull yourself together”.  Instantly, feeling better, he drew back his driver and planted one in the middle of the fairway. Maybe I should have spoken to him earlier, even though he had made short work of the par 3s today, off the tee, he had more hookers than Hessle Road (a renowned red-light district in the cosmopolitan  suburb of Hull)!

By now the Wizard was spraying his magic potion all over the park and an excellent up and down at the 17^th saw our opposition go dormie one. It was the first time in the match that they had taken the lead! At which point, the excitement got the better of Vidal and his trolley careered into the bottom bunker, quickly followed by him mincing behind it!

It was all on the last, a par 5 at 489 yards SI 16 and who should turn the screw but none other than Boom Boom, as he walked off with a quality par.

Game over and once again, we had snatched a defeat from the jaws of a draw! Maybe we should try Withernsea next, as I have heard, it’s a decent 10 holer. We could possibly, just about cope with that.

As to this course the fairways are well manicured and the second cut sees your ball sitting low to the grassroots every time. The bunkers contain fine calcareous sand and the odd golf buggy and thankfully very few were found today.  As I currently hate bunkers, the Fitter reminded me I probably didn’t hate them as  much as Adolf Hitler! I wander what his handicap was?

In respect of the betterball scores, the Wizard had produced a 17 point back nine, Boom Boom 13 me 10 and the Fitter 6. Nothing good enough to win the society competition but regardless, we had a laugh, occasionally played some decent golf and talked a load of bollocks as we wandered from hole to hole. What more can a person want from life!

Scarborough next and another adventure in the offing.