PANTS

As the £1 continued to plummet against the dollar, the travelling Turk returned from lands afar and recommenced battle on the playing  fields of England. A three week sabbatical saw the Judge, get a call up from the Elite and participate in an am-am at Northcliffe Golf Club, Bradford.  

Two days later he returns to the home club and is informed by the Metronome that he had won £30. The Judge was cocker hoop, and with an annual return of £200 is comforted in the thought that he will be able to turn his heating on this winter. Either that or he could sit in his Selby motif apparel, bought from his £100 win earlier in the year. It appears prior to his 9^th holiday of the year he had been joined by the Beau, Kryton and Handy as they blew Selby Golf Course apart.

Further investigation surrounding his £30 win, revealed that although he had taken part, his back nine was far worse than the front. A  dodgy burger had played havoc with his intestinal tract and he had  struggled with a nasty bout of dier, diarra, diahrr, (the shits!).

Along with the Metronome, myself, Handy and Richie Rich all turned up for a game on a cool September morn.

Richie Rich had decided enough was enough at Cottingham Parks and was having one last hurrah before he returned to the motherland of Yarm.  

Allegedly, the news came as a mega blow to his number one fan, Kryton. Reports of uncontrollable tears dropping on to his breakfast cereal may be unfounded but the thought of not seeing Richie Rich crack one off the tee may have been too much for him to bare.  A paltry excuse of daughter moving house was given as a reason for no show. Zapata was also absent, as he had returned to his Casa of birth in order  to visit his Madre and as for the Burnley Beau he was spending time in Portugal sending multiple pics of shops adorned with his nom de plume.    

On realising we had five for the day the Metronome kindly bailed and went off for a short back and sides.

Balls in the hat , furthest two to play together, furthest two that is, from the epicentre and the Judge and my good self were teamed together.  Handicappers of the highest order were about to compete against handicappers of the lowest order. Interesting.

The 1^st sees Handy and the Judge go down the middle, while RR and me head into the trees on the left.  As we move amongst the undergrowth RR repeats what many have said before him.  “The trees on this course are a joke”, “they should cut off the lower branches”, “No other course has trees as 150 markers”, “You get punished enough for going in them”, etc, etc, etc. Each sentence interspersed with an expletive or two.  Clearly, he’s not used to being where I often am! So now I know, even low handicappers can oft find themselves in the foliage of no return. Two low chips and we are both back on the course. Handy criss-crosses the fairway like a sidewinder on heat and the Judge bounces out of a bush. The first hole doesn’t go well although we bag a point while the opposition get none.

At the second, I top off the tee but recover well with a 3 wood, Richie Rich once again finds himself in the pines and the Judge flirts with many a branch on the right hand side but still comes in with a long putt to make a five, as do I. Meanwhile Handy briefly recovers the composure that saw him come in 2 over on the back nine two days earlier and bags a fine par.

The third sees the Judge scrabble a point while RR finds line and length, for the first of many pars.

My poor tee shots continue at the fourth although the recovery is sound and we bag 2 points on the par 3. RR however sticks in a birdie and extends their lead to two points. Is it too early to fear the worst, hopefully the gloom of despondency will  not fall any time soon.

The par five 5^th SI 1 sees another birdie from the maestro who also has a  shot on the hole enabling him to bag four points to my three. The game appears to be slipping away like Bambi on ice.

Hole six, I scrabble a point RR gets 2, it looks like we might be walking off at the ninth.

Hole 7, as we all know is Handy’s least favourite and not for the first time he struggles with, trees, ditches and bunkers. No never mind his partner bags another 3 points as I come in with 2.

Perhaps we should go in after 8 and call it void. No need the Judge pulls off a cracking uphill putt from the edge of the green to provide us with a magnificent 4 points to RR’s 2.

As he hasn’t appeared on the card since the 2^nd, Handy seriously considers walking in but as he often reminds others it’s a team game.

The 9^th sees me struggles with my bete noir but once again the Judge with bowels bunged pulls back yet another point. At the turn we are only 2 down and as ever our belief in being back nine players comes to the fore.

At the par 5 10^th , desperate to get back on the card and hoping to feel glad all over, Handy reverts to what has become known in local parlance as the Steve Clark 5. Three 5 irons and a putt or two and you are done. Sadly, it still wasn’t good enough as his partner birdied, Handy was in bits and pieces.

The gap was once again starting to yawn.

As we meander up the 11^th Handy fights the urge to bugger off, as he looks for his ball in vain. The Judge and RR discuss how to handle a cheat, for in his short period of time on our course, Richie had observed at least three leather wedges, numerous generous penalty drops and two club lengths being measured with barge poles!

My high handicap sees a beneficial three points come our way but just for a change Richie birdies to prevent us receiving any advantage.

The 12^th sees me achieve an unlikely 2 points as my iron into the green toys with the out of bounds. Handy also gains two points and is more than happy to card.

Richie Rich  suggests that from here on in it will be plain sailing for him and his partner and that we high handicappers will be left adrift in a sea of wayward shots. His drive doesn’t disappoint as it is humongous and lands a mere 15 yards short of the flag, yet it’s not enough to get a score on the card as Handy and I share it. Handy has his game head on and we could be staring down the proverbial barrel.

The par 4 13^th sees a share of the points and we are off to the par 3 14^th where the Judge, a man of immense stature, re-enters the fray and a fine par pulling back a point.  A round of badly timed high fives sees the opposition look on with disdain. 

Two points behind, four to play, fear not it’s my turn at the 15^th. My second hits the green as does RR’s, Handy and the Judge find the water. A drop for the Judge but Handy who has now carded four in a row makes the decision to play out of the water. We scatter to all four corners of the green. The club head glides through the water like an albatross crash landing and as Handy walks out of the muddy mist, he is blathered, the ball, hangs precariously on the bank but holds its ground. Probably glued down by the algae that has come with it. 3 points for me 2 for RR and we walk off towards the next hole as happy as happy can be. Golf can often be a strange bedfellow as we inadvertently leave behind, a muddy edifice attempting to putt out for par, sadly he misses.

The 16^th sees the score brought level as I bag a consecutive par and gain the extra point on RR.

Who would have thought it, the high handicappers have dragged themselves back into it. Could the impossible happen? The excitement was palpable, well for me and the Judge it was but  I’m not so sure whether the wildlife or indeed our opposition thought so.

The 17^th sees the Judge take his turn to bag a par against yet another Richie Rich birdie. That lad has had to work hard for his points and at this point calls for the handicap police to intervene!

Off to  the 18^th then and not for the first time in golf its all on the last. 

Having lost to Handy Andy here, only two days prior, I was determined not to make  the same mistake but I did.  A slice into the pond for my first, drop out and sink it into the trees for my third, a fourth punched out and a 5^th into the pond adjacent to the green, my day was done. The burden was transferred solely to the Judge.

Richie Rich also lost one in the trees but recovered for a par, leaving the Judge and Handy to fight it out on the final green. Handy has a 6 footer downhill for the win, the Judge has a slim chance of sinking a 5 footer, sliding downhill right to left. Handy over does it but comes back up for a six. The Judge receives a quick massage and rub down with sensual oils and as he goes up to take the shot, states to anyone who will listen that, he lives for these moments. What a positive mental attitude that man has, we all watch with bated breath, the stroke is taken, the ball is rolling, the Judge turns away confident that the ball will drop, like a slo’ mo’ car crash the ball trundles to the hole, catches the top of the cup and it ……… drops. He turns and two footed with club raised aloft, leaps into the air like a red kangaroo. We have pulled off an unlikely draw.

When interviewed after the game, the Judge’s emotions are still running high but he takes the opportunity to quote one of our greatest philosophers of all time, Billy Ocean. “When the going gets tough, the tough get going”.  If you were Richie Rich however you might think a little differently, the guy had come in two over for the round against a pair of aging miscreants.

On retiring to the clubhouse Richie Rich’s day is made even worse as his discount card cannot be used to pay for his repas. A changeover of IT systems prevents the 10% discount being given to one and all.

RR waves a fond farewell as the old sages of Cottingham, have their heads turned by the remains  of the East Riding County Council, buffet lunch. A quick chat with the waitress and before you know it, we are tucking in like starving crows on a squirrel’s carcass.  No flies on us three.