BEAU'S CRUISE

KENWICK PARK GOLF CLUB

KENWICK PARK GOLF CLUB	https://www.kenwickparkgolf.co.uk/
Type of course		18 holes	Par 70
Course distance	White 6645 yds	Yellow 6153 yds	Red 5648 yds
Holes	4 x Par 3	11 x Par 4	4 x Par 5
Played	17/07/24	Rating 73.3	Slope 149
Claim to Fame: set in an area of outstanding natural beauty

After a recent fine performance at Peel I returned to my local hunting ground of Cottingham to discover my compatriots are considering moving clubs. The natives are revolting as the re wilding of the course is causing a lot of consternation amongst members.  Our Monday morning round often sees Kryton and the Big Easy wander the ponds and drains collecting lost balls from the weekenders. With the introduction of re-wilding throughout the home course, they now receive a weekly bumper crop of good quality balls. The talk in the clubhouse is all about the impact this is having on many a high handicapper. As for me I paid my dues in April and I’m therefore bound to stay for another 8 months at least.

First game back I was paired up with Handy, taking on the Big Easy and the Judge. You would think bagging three birdies on the 6^th, 13^th and 16^th and Handy bagging one would see off the opposition with ease. Not so. as the true competitors that they are held their own and sneaked the £1.

Next stop Kenwick Park, Louth. Initially I understood that this event would see me partnering the C_ns_n_nt K_d however he of no vowels had called up a +1, so I got the Beau.

A one hour fifteen-minute drive with my partner in tow gave him the opportunity to regale me about his recent cruise around the Adriatic. Along with the pictures he had uploaded on Whats App I felt as if I had a good understanding of what cruising could be like.

Leading us out on the day was the Magnificent Two, the Metronome and Handy.

The Doc had chosen to dress circa 1930’s, dark blue cap, black polo and shorts, the latter coming down well below his knees. Thankfully there was little wind as we feared he may well be caught up in a vortex and whisked off to Oz before we knew it.

The course is set in the Lincolnshire Wolds, an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty and is adjacent to the Kenwick Park Hotel which offers accommodation and golf packages to visitors. The clubhouse is positioned around an old courtyard with outdoor seating and the entrance has an abundance of violas bordering the path. A truly romantic setting.

Normally a round at this golf and spa would see you part with £50, entering the senior open however halves the cost.

The weather was benign, hitting a heady 25^oC, the course appeared well manicured but with recent heavy downpours, the starter informed us placing would be allowed on the fairways and mowed areas, all bunkers were GUR with a free drop, unless you wished to play out.

The scorecard revealed I had an abundance of shots today, so the Big Easy had us down as contenders.  

All went well at the first tee, 432 yards SI 6 par 4. My second however was a topped wood that went no more than 20 yards. “Sorry chaps” I said to anyone who was willing to listen. “Bo Nother” replied the +1! Was it going to be one of those days? Thankfully I quickly recovered and me and the C_ns_n_nt K_d bagged 2 points apiece.

The Beau who was still rocking from his boat trip came into his own at the second and cruised  through the next three holes bagging 7 points. The next four were mine with a total of  9 points. After grabbing 3 points at the second hardest hole on the course, the 7^th,SI2 410 yards par 4, the Beau said, “I take it all back, what I said about you”. Now I wonder what that could have been. Feel free to circle the most appropriate:

1.         “This kid is good.”

2.         “He tries well but . . . “

3.         “He’s shite really.”

As for the opposition the +1 bagged 8 points between holes 2 and 5 and the C_ns_n_nt K_d came in on 3 of the last 4 holes. It was going to be tight.

As we traversed the well-manicured course there was often the foul smell of rotten fish permeating the atmosphere. With the coast some 26 miles away and little prevailing wind, it seemed strange that such an odour could overpower, such a beautiful setting. Hopefully the fish dishes on order for after the game weren’t off!

With the halfway house beckoning the Beau bagged a bogey at the 9^th as did the C_ns_n_nt K_d.

Front nine scores saw the Magnificent Two on 22, Handy and the Metronome 20, me and the Beau 20, and the C_ns_ns_nt K_d +1 on 18. It was all to play for.

My biggest fear was the Beau would begin to lose focus, for we all know he can quite easily start putting with an iron or getting out of a bunker with a driver I therefore had to think of some way to motivate him across the back nine.

Now if there is one thing that bucks up the Beau more than anything, it is romance and that was the tool I decided to employ. Reverting to my expertise on behavioural psychology I started immediately at the10th, the hardest hole on the course. SI 1, 428 yards par 4, firing off from a raised tee into a blind hollow and then rising to the green he played it like a pro.  “Puff tutt” said the +1 but “You’re the man” I said, quickly,  as he sunk it for a par. Additionally, I followed up with the praise and reward technique, “I Love you!” I said. Had I gone too far too early, would he baulk at the talk but thankfully he smiled and I could tell a good buttering had done him the world of good. Meanwhile the C_ns_n_nt K_d was having issues at the 10^th,  rather than use the freshly laid seashell path he got his golf cart stuck on the muddy fairway. Freshly laid seashell path eh, the penny dropped! He didn’t seem to be firing on all  cylinders today. His +1 however was working hard to bring in the points  and would often be heard shouting “Pooed Gickup”, or “Rump and Bun”!

At the dog leg left 11^th the long grass came into play for us all, with the +1 exclaiming it was “Reep Duff” but at last we didn’t have to worry about the “Bareway Funkers” What was wrong with this guy! Standing on the tee even the flies wanted a piece of the Beau as his lemon top attracted them in the thousands. This didn’t affect his fine drive but as for me I found the reep duff, no matter I still grabbed us 2 points.

Over the next three holes me and my man, went knock for knock. At the par 5 13^th SI 11 468 yards, my sweetheart lost his way, but thankfully it brought out the best in me and I parred it to keep our scoring going.

Another psychological boost was needed if I was to get him through the to the end.  A bogey at the 14^th and a par at the 15^th enabled  me to bring in my pièce de resistance as I offered to kiss him! Obviously, no tongues, after all it would be our first proper date! Uncannily another glitch followed but once again yours truly brought home the bacon. Like a pair of dessert spoons  in a cutlery drawer, we were as one.

As we waited patiently for the 16^th to clear we observed the Doc attempting to start a Mexican Wave. The fear was he had tripped over his turn ups but worse than that his putt had come up short and as the arms were raised in despair, the Big Easy quickly turned and walked swiftly to the next tee. I had a feeling they might not be doing so well on the back nine.

On the day the round had been slow, as allegedly the four ball ahead of our compatriots was tardy, although photographic and video evidence revealed Handy engaging the trees without club or ball.

As to the last two holes me and he had coalesced into one, we both parred and by virtue of being the furthest away with the penultimate shot the Beau rightly recorded the scores. At which point I said, “I take it all back, what I said about you”. Touché Mr Beau, touché.

In addition the Beau was cut and I was left untouched, in the knowledge that I will continue to be given an abundance of shots. Hey ho.

The back nine scores were in, the Magnificent Two 21 points, Handy and the Metronome 18, the C_ns_n_nt K_d +1 12 and me and the Beau 25.

We had pipped the super troopers by 2 points.

On handing in the card the Pro told the Beau we were sitting second with only two more groups to come in. A decision was made to hang about, see what unfolded and if we had won something, go back in the Pro Shop and spend.

I also quickly discovered it wasn’t my motivational techniques that had motivated my partner but his love of all things Galvin Green, and  Kenwick Park sold it in abundance. Crushed that our imminent marriage would be called off, I took solace in a frothing pint of lager, the skin of the +1’s fish and chip dinner and waited in anticipation. To be fair I think our marriage was doomed before it started as the 18 holes consisted of more chat about the cruise and I was wanting out!

The results were in we had come second by virtue of one point, £80 each to be spent in the shop the Magnificent Two were third and the +1 had a ‘coo’s tub’ reward. The Beau’s hoop had never been so cocker and a mad rush to the shop saw him bag a polo. I couldn’t get the over trousers I wanted and settled for an over top, balls and tees. In the meantime the Big Easy went for shorts and the Doc wangled a deal with the Beau, offsetting his token for £30 cash. He’s a wily old dog is the Doc in the pantaloons and another GG polo went the Beau’s way.

A good day was had by all!