KRYTEN: SPACE CORP DIRECTIVE 196156

 

WATH GC

WATH GOLF CLUB	Wathgolfclub.co.uk
Type of course	Parkland	18 holes	Par 70
Course distance	White 6077 yds	Yellow 5826 yds	Red 5420 yds
Holes	5  x Par 3	10 x Par 4	3  x Par 5
Played	28/08/24	Rating 69.3	Slope 116
Claim to Fame: One of the most friendly and inclusive golf clubs in the region

 A recent sojourn to the north of Scotland has seen me play a couple of courses. The 9 hole scenic Gairloch and the 12 hole Cowal GC, Dunoon. The latter being the wettest course I have ever played in my life! Feel free to read the blog (Cowal GC).

On my return to the hallowed ground of Cottingham, the boys from the green stuff were in varying moods of play. Allegedly the Metronome was struggling with his game. The definition of struggling for this guy, is a slight dip, causing a 6 over par finish rather than a 4 but we all have our cross to bear. If only I had that cross.

The Beau without an ounce of strength had been up and down like a snow leopard in search of a mountain goat.

The Big Easy was unable to make a meet recently. Allegedly due to Storm Lilian felling a tree and blocking his route. Thankfully the avenues  lumberjack was able to assist in the removal of  ‘the giant redwood, the larch, the fir, or was it the mighty Scots pine!’

The Judge’s success at Sitwell has not sat well with his disposition and he has continued to seek the elusive flame of consistency.

The C_ns_n_nt K_d -1 has reduced his commitment by 2 giving up his weekends for a 5 day membership. Will this have an impact on his scoring? I very much  doubt it.

Handy continues with his passions of horses and courses both of which require good handicaps and the Doc continues to be as elusive as Sir Percy Blakeney.

Meanwhile Kryton continues to seek out the perfect partner. Deaf!

Today’s event brought us to Wath, north west of Rotherham. Undoubtedly the Judge and Handy wanted a repeat of their last visit to the area. My last winning partner, the Beau, had migrated to the other side and was tucked up with the Metronome and I got Kryton.

Kryton lives for golf and there is no denying his ability. The man has an outer coating thicker than rhinoceros hide. Regardless of whether his ball is drawn out of the hat or not, it has been rumoured certain home club golfers are refusing to play with him. It does appear to be somewhat churlish but as we all know cracking the odd repetitive joke can become a little tiring. For example Space Corp Directive 1742

A 1h 20 minute drive from home saw Google maps take myself and Handy to a dirt track. A dirt track with the correct address, Abdy Road. It was queried however and when a local appeared from a side gate Handy asked if the golf course was indeed down the track. “Oh yes” said the local, “Are they expecting you?” “Well yes” replied a puzzled Handy as we bounced our way down to a dead end, turned round, bounced our way back and reset ourselves. What said local was playing at, nobody quite knew.

Eventually finding an entrance at the end of high hedged single lane we arrived and took in a breakfast wrap and coffee for a mere £5. Talking of costs the entry fee today was £20 per head and included 2’s club and a raffle ticket. A real bargain.

The usual build up routine took place before our agreed tee off times. Practice net and putting was undertaken at varying stages by one and all.

Keen to be off the Metronome wandered aimlessly towards an unguarded tee box, only to be reprimanded by the starter for his vicissitude. Said starter also requested that only four at a time go to the first. Something Kryton chose to ignore and regardless, ambled over to watch his chums tee off. Prior to this, concerned about the weather,  he had also asked the starter if it was going to rain. The response, “I don’t know, I’m not Ulrika Johnson!” who by the way, had recently been in the news due to the untimely death of a previous Beau. None other than Sven Goran Erickson. An ex-England football manager , with a soft exterior but a firm inner core. Just like a Pro V1.

As we meandered the front nine there were several noteworthy events. Not least of all the Judge’s second shot at the 1^st. A SI 5, 365-yard, par 4. After a poor first he hit a belter from the rough to hit the green and par. This was quickly followed by Handy notching 2 points at both the 2^nd and 3^rd. It looked as if they were on their way to another resounding success. Having been introduced to the idiom Ham and Eggs it was clear these two were at it again. Whereas me and Kryton were more Laurel and Costello, Abbott and Hardy or more accurately, Pork Pie and Pickled Onion, four points from three holes!

Now as everybody knows 18 holes is a long way and over time many things can go awry and they did.

The 4^th SI 1 par 4, 450 yards, dog leg right with a sloping green back to front. It had a hint of Skidby’s 7^th (beware of the out of bounds on the right).  The Judge finds the OB with aplomb but refuses to lose the ball and mounts the bank into the toiled soil to retrieve his pride and joy.

Having also hit a provisional his fourth shot appeared to be an attempt to decapitate Kryton. Blissfully unaware the oriental mixed race pachyderm had ambled up the fairway well ahead of the puritan Judge who knocked one over his head. Meanwhile yours truly had a chance of a par with a long-distance downhill putt. A feather like touch saw the ball roll and bobble, one way, then another and back again, striking the flag stick with little impact, only to see it halted inches to the side. 3 points for us. It was in truth the highlight of my day. Handy on the other hand bagged a point, were the Ham and Eggs becoming a little scrambled? Perhaps Kryton invoked Space Corp Directive 68250.

The dog leg right 6^th cuts across the  4^th and appears a fairly innocuous hole but with the Judge driving into the forest on the right and Kryton’s ball disappearing without trace, it was left to myself and Handy to pull in a few points. As we waited patiently to tee off here, a convoy of sit on golf buggies passed, Kryton noted it resembled a scene from ‘Mad Max Furiosa’ and I accept it, I did laugh. After all it was a new joke in his bulging repertoire.

Through 5 to 8 the pig and chicken held their own but what nobody expected was the Kryton flourish of birdie, par, birdie, par, par from 7 to 11. 15 points had certainly had an impact on our score. At the 7^th and the 9^th I will openly admit I hugged the guy but please don’t tell anybody as they might think I’m his friend and will never speak to me again. Space Corp Directive 7214. As to the honkers and the twitchers they failed to score at 10 and 12.

On completion of the 10^th two lovely ladies of a certain age greeted us as the halfway house, they were polite, courteous, chatty and informative all in one. It appears Wath GC is a member’s club with only 25 ladies and with an ex-benefactor of DC Cook, he of car dealerships who had an untimely death in a car crash! Irony at its worst me thinks. The ladies also informed us that that we were about to come across the best holes on the course and that watery graves awaited.

The 12^th, a mere par 3, SI 16 at 128 yards with water at the front of the green awaited us. Me and Kryton through the back, ham and eggs in the drink and then there was the 15^th 142 yards with water at the front. Me and Kryton through the back, me lost in the long stuff, Kryton chipping back, the Judge off left and Handy? Well, anther watery grave awaited. It had been one of them days!

The back 9 saw Kryton and me continue our merry way whereas the other two struggled to lay down a decent score. Handy however would like to have qualified for nearest the pin at the 17^th, sadly his ball was off the green but he did acquire four balls for being a 2’s club member.

Ham and eggs 34 points, pork pie and pickled onion 40 points, we were in with a shout. Not so, our joy was short lived as our back nine saw us  knocked off the winner’s board. So near and yet so far. Isn’t it just so. At which point Kryton attempted to invoke Space Corp Directive 34124 but to no avail.

Two out of three events then, where I have been on or close to taking the money. Could it be that I am improving or is it more than likely that I draw good partners on the day? Maybe I am their talisman or they play a lot better, as they know my foibles!

Wath Golf Club prides itself on being friendly and it truly was. The club has a very homely feel, it was cosy, comfortable and compact and its members genuine, gracious and humble, all the prerequisites for a friendly members club. We will be back.

All Space Corp Directives can be found on the internet.