PIGS AND FLIES

HOLME HALL GOLF CLUB	https://www.holmehallgolf.co.uk/
Type of course	Heathland	18 holes	Par 71
Course distance	White 6044  yds	Yellow 5566  yds	Red 5392  yds
Holes	4  x Par 3	11 x Par 4	3 x Par 5
Played	18/06/25	Rating 69.5	Slope 126
Claim to Fame: North Lincolnshire's finest EGU Championship course

It's peculiar how the mind plays tricks? The visit to Holme Hall had been organised many months prior and I was sure I had played there before. A quick glance at Google maps further affirmed my thoughts and so it was I picked up the Metronome on a sunny summers day and headed over the Humber. 45 minutes later we entered the car park and I was definite I had not played there. Nothing to do with age, just mind tricks!

The journey was one I had undertaken many times before but with an additional 2 minutes attached. Along with the grandchildren, I had frequented Pink Pig Farm and Play Barn 400 yards further on.

The course is abutted to the farm and overlooked by Scunthorpe Steel Works, the car park sits adjacent to a number of one story buildings made of differing materials. The reception as you would expect from the people of Scunthorpe, was rugged, steely and stern.

On entrance  to the  club house we were greeted by three wise men in matching black polos, emblazoned with the club logo. Neither brusque nor verbose the gentlemen were direct, if not turgid in their approach. Rules taped to the desk, amendments to pairings made, scorecards provided, and signing in was completed, quickly and efficiently. No two’s club, no nearest the pin, no straightest or longest drive, you got what you were given and you got on with it.

Settling in for the ritual pre drink and grub we were informed, similar to Skidby Lakes, the food was franchised and the drink not. The Soldiers Rest, as it is called utilises the Holme Hall golf club facilities and is run by an ex-army chef of 27 years and his partner. The tables are adorned with mini replicas of soldiers from yesteryear and reflective coasters highlight their name plates.

On the day the food pricing appeared somewhat unusual. A bacon butty £5.50, a bacon and egg £6.50, a mini breakfast £6.50 and a Pensioner’s Special two course lunch £15. Now we all know that an army marches on its stomach but at these prices I would suggest a few go hungry. Along with a non-franchised coffee at £2,50, it wasn’t surprising the Doc opted for a glass of tap water. He also became a little perturbed when on requesting a bacon bap for the Big Easy he had forgotten to say, “no butter”. No worries, for when it arrived, he had in fact bought a mini breakfast, which much to the Doc’s chagrin, the Big Easy then went about smearing his toast in lashings of butter.

Warm-ups completed, walking over to the first tee revealed no starter! No shock.

Today’s pairings were as follows. Me and Kryton, Metronome and Handy, Doc and Big Easy and the Beau with his ex-next door neighbour Garth.  With the Judge being  out of the reckoning due to his recent major heart surgery and the C_ns_n_nt K_d holidaying abroad, it is always difficult to find an eighth and certainly made more difficult when the call off was at the eleventh hour. The Garrolous Golfer who had helped at Hickleton was laid low by the latest virus to blight the nation and many texts, phone calls and WhatsApp messages later the Beau came up trumps.

As to the course the first a slight dog leg right at 476 yards, SI 12, par 5 saw  the Big Easy searching long and hard for his tee shot, all others were safe. New boy Garth had a lovely swing, fluid in its motion and direct in its nature.

We followed with no issues although hitting a greenside bunker in three of the first four holes, did cause me to drop shots. Once upon a time the thought of a bunker would have given me palpitations however with proper sand in the base, I was able to extricate myself on each occasion. My partner for the day was also playing to his full potential, it was nice to see him concentrate and he even provided me later in the week with an excellent putting tip. Thankyou Mr Kryton, pity you couldn’t have said something on the day.

Handy was, as the Judge would say, “on furyrr” birdie, bogey, par, par par. He was playing high calibre golf.

The Judge having been given a formal discharge from his specialist had taken it upon himself to be our Ryder Cup Captain for the day and ventured between groups scattering his knowledge and wisdom like bird seed. It was a trill to listen to, that is if you could be bothered.

Let us take for example the par 3 4th, SI 16, 131 yards, a large willow blocked out part of the green. According to our  Ryder Cup Captain the four before  had all under clubbed and were short of the green.

Heeding his sage like advice, as one, we ignored him and found the green. Metronome and Handy over the tree, Kryton left of the pin and me with the assistance of the willow a mere 6 foot away. A possible  four pointer early in the round would set us up nicely, as it was the ball rolled round the rim and popped out. A point dropped.  Prior to this the Beau had been observed  chipping form a nearby sapling. It may not have been going well for the Burnley boy and it certainly didn’t two days later, when at Skidby, he chose to retire early with a hurt ego. Perhaps the thought of two weeks away in the eastern bloc was occupying his mind? Would he be allowed allow back in to the country on his return? Time will tell.

On reaching the halfway stage ‘Mein Kapitan’ kindly supplied me with a bottle of chilled water but on realising the price he had paid, threatened to sort out the female pro for her exorbitant prices. We quickly moved him on. Unsurprisingly the halfway house at the 10^th was deserted, tap water being the only drink of the day. Choosing to refill his costly water bottle the Judge felt he had in some way reduced the overall cost of his North Linciolnshire spring  water! Not so mein Fuhrer.

Now I know that on at least three occasions every round I don’t score well (don’t score at all) and perhaps my teammates make assumptions about my chances of contributing to the overall score. Having reached the green in regulation at the par 5 11^th, 509 yards SI 15. I was feeling happy with myself, only to be asked by the Metronome, “Are you still in the game?”. Hurt would be an understatement, I was crushed. The chance of a birdie was there for the taking, three putts later and it was a bogey. Once again Kryton rescued the situation and carded accordingly. He’s a fine fella.

The  12^th par 4 SI 3 at 421 yards saw me traverse the right-hand side of the fairway and drop my 3^rd into another unseen greenside bunker. On extricating myself my over enthusiasm saw the ball fly to the back of the green and I struggled on the return. The Metronome once again enquired, “Are you still in it?”. Now I used to like this guy but when it comes to competition, his cricket sledging days are hard to put behind him. He then went on mid round to birdy one, par 3 and bogey one. Handy then took over and parred 5 of the last seven holes.

At the 13^th 144 yards par 3,  SI 17 the porcine odour was prevalent and the flies that come with it  were in abundance. Reminiscent of Pigpen from the Peanut’s cartoon series, the head of Mr Kryton seemed particularly attractive. The impact was to see his tee shot deviate onto the wrong fairway but no matter he still came in with the points. No flies on him, much.

On leaving the 18^th compulsory hands were shaken, revealing Mr K’s oleaginous issue. Palmar hyperhidrosis at its best, which may explain the fly attraction for certain factors, such as body odour, body heat, and carbon dioxide emission are all attractive to the common housefly.  Although an over greased palm can be an advantage to a man who doesn’t like to part with a £1. If he could, he would probably have your watch off your wrist before you could shout ‘fore’.

Traversing the grounds  the greenkeepers are very much aware of sustainable golf course management and the rebuilding of the natural environment. Development of heather beds and wild flower pollination areas are much to be admired.

On the day playing off the whites, the course was flat and arid, the paths gritty, the greens a little spongy but the fairways were very forgiving and Handy had played it like a pro. To the point he was docked 0.5 on the day and as the people of Hull would say “that’ll learn him!”.

At the halfway stage , 2 points had divided all four pairs and after 18 the scores were as follows:

Handy and the Metronome  43

Big Easy and the Doc 43 

Kryton and me 41

The Beau and Garth  40

The overall winners finishing on 51!

18 holes completed and the need for a cooling beer was essential. Haematite faces packed away bags and trolleys and headed over to the paved patio. As people gathered, glass in hand, the Doc took it upon himself to rearrange the seating. The heat had taken its toll and as he tugged and pulled at the parasol pole, the table rocked, the chairs wobbled and the drinks spilled, much to the annoyance of many.  A few chosen words from the throng, saw him retire to a nearby table, rearrange the seating and warn us all as to the impact of the sun on our skin. To which the Metronome challenged, “Why, if you don’t like the sun, do you continually holiday abroad!”. A muted response followed.

To cap off his heat stroked day the Doc then attempted to coax two Pensioner’s Specials out of the Soldiers Rest only to be informed it was available between the hours of 12 and 2 and the chef was not for turning.

Immediately after the Doc’s patio faux pas the Judge then accused everyone of moving his mobile off the garden table. Belligerently strolling towards the club house he continued to accuse one and all, just as Kryton popped his head round the door, asking if anybody had left a phone on the bar!  The heat and pressure of being Cup Captain may have been a little too much for the boy from Halifax who it must be said is making  a marvellous recovery from his major heart surgery and cant wait to get on the fairways again but this time with a club in hand.

Next up Wakefield.